


Together let's breathe - Josh Dun fanfic

by Melissamariee



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Josh Dun's Blurryface, Josh in Love, Love, Mentions Of Blurryface, Secret Relationship, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2018-10-21 06:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 28,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10679721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melissamariee/pseuds/Melissamariee
Summary: twenty one pilots are on tour again. Things have been different between Josh and Tyler since Tyler married Jenna.  Josh feels lonely and misses his best friend. Will the cute new assistant be Josh's cure for loneliness?





	1. Josh

I never thought that this many people would know my name. When I look back to when I could go outside without people coming up to me, it feel like a lifetime ago. My face lives in so many phones and cameras that I'm not sure it belongs to me anymore. This is the price of living out my passion. I am the drummer in the band twenty one pilots. I get to travel the world with my best friend, Tyler, and hit the drums as hard as I can.

It's really not all bad. The best part of my day is when a fan tells me our music saved their life. When I think about how I helped fight other people's demons it almost makes mine go away. I've gotten a lot better with my anxiety and dark thoughts, and I can almost sleep through the whole night now. Tyler has helped me more than the doctors and the pills I used to take. He was my best friend from the moment we met and have been practically inseparable since. 

Things are different now though. Tyler and Jenna have been married married for a year. He spends most of his free time with her now, as he should. It's been hard to let go of spending all my time with Tyler. They try to include me every once in a while, but I don't always like being the third wheel . I mean, I still see Tyler everyday, but that is work time. 

Before they were married Tyler and I shared a tour bus, but now Jenna and Tyler travel together and I have my own bus. It's lonely and I know Tyler feels bad. When Jenna isn't on tour with us Tyler will stay on my bus. Those are my favorite nights because I can sleep peacefully. We watch bad movies and cuddle on my couch. To be clear, Tyler and I are not sexual. It has never even been a discussion. We know our fans project that on us and would flip if they knew we cuddled. We just like the closeness and warmth. It works for us, even more since I've been single. 

Debby broke up with me two days after Tyler and Jenna's wedding. I couldn't help but to see the irony. Maybe it was the way I looked at her when I saw her in her dress, or the way I held her on the dance floor. Whatever it was something scared her enough to leave. I didn't beg, I didn't cry. I let her go thinking she would calm down and come back. A year later she will text me when she sees something that reminds her of me, but she never wanted to come back. I've given up hope she'll ever be with me again despite her staying single as well. When she texts me, I smile and I hope when I text he back, she smiles too.

...

This the biggest tour Tyler and I have ever done. One sold out show after the next, I can't even fathom how many tickets that has been. Today we are somewhere I've never been before and can't remember the name. I'm thankful Tyler will do all the talking on stage tonight so I don't need to remember. The two of us are hanging out in the room the venue has set up for us backstage after sound check. Tyler is sitting right next to me on a big leather couch. I look over at him and smile.

"What are you looking at?" Tyler jokingly asks me.

"Just your beautiful face" I joke back.

This makes him smile too.

"I'm taken you know"

I put my arm around him and scoot in closer.

"Oh really? Does she cuddle better than me?"

Tyler is blushing. Our manager, Steve, comes into the room at the worst possible moment. We have never been caught before. We knew no one would understand, and what I just said could be seen as flirty. I've been single too long I think to myself.

"Um...what did I just walk into?" Steve asks.

We scramble away from each other.

"It's not what it looks like...really!" I say. 

I'm not so sure Steve is buying it though. Tyler nods in agreement. 

"Right, well pull yourselves together because I have someone for you two to meet. "

Steve sticks his neck out of the doorway and motions for someone to come in. I can feel Tyler shifting around to sit up a little more.

"Boys meet your new assistant, Marie." 

The woman, who must be Marie walks in and my mind has gone blank. I've forgotten my own name. She is the most beautiful woman I have even seen and yet she feels familiar. I don't know her, but yet somehow I do. I've never had his feeling before of instantly being drawn to someone. 

Tyler stands up and I absent mindlessly follow. He reaches out his hand to shake hers. Marie reaches out a shaking hand. They introduce themselves to each other. 

"What about out assistant Sarah? What happened to her?" Tyler asks.

"She will still be with you, but she felt like she needed help so we crunched the numbers and hired Marie" Steve said.

"Are we really that demanding?" Tyler joked.

"Frankly, yes. More coffee runs than Sarah could handle." Steve joked back.

I still can't speak or move.

"Josh, she will be living in your bus so you better get friendly fast" Steve says before leaving the room.


	2. 2. Marie

I swear I must be dreaming. Soon I will wake up and be back in my tiny apartment living on tips. I flew to Pennsylvania, had two job interviews for the same job, got the job, and met hundreds of people just today.

I just found out that the job is for one of my favorite bands. When I was applying and interviewing for this assistant job, the touring company made it very clear that they could not tell me what band I would be working for unless I got the job. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped when my new boss, Steve, told me it was twenty one pilots. I think I smiled and nodded, unable to form words.

"Have you heard of them or listened to to them at all?" Steve asks me.

I think of the poster in my bedroom, the five shows I went to and the tattoo on my right leg. I make a mental note to not wear shorts. I don't want to seem crazy or lose the job for being too big of a fan so I say;

"I heard a few songs I think."

"Good. That helps." Steve says. I follow him around and he introduces me to a ton of people who names I will not remember tomorrow. I see all the stage equipment and learned what it takes for a show to go off perfectly. Thankfully that is not my job. My job will be making sure nobody will be without coffee.

"You will be helping the guys with whatever they need, they will tell you they don't need anything, but they will." Steve says.

I'm not sure what that means, but I agree.

"Alright, It's time to meet the boys."

I stop walking. I can't make my feet move. All this time I hadn't thought about meeting Josh and Tyler. Even though I've been to a lot of shows, I've never met them. I've dreamed about it, sure. Here it is happening after the longest day of my life. Mark turns into a room and I have to snap out of it to catch up. I walk in and they are on the couch. They look just like I expected them to. I'm still not convinced this is real. Tyler is the first one to make a move.

"I'm Tyler" He says shaking my hand.

I say something and pray it's not "I know."

Tyler asks something about someone named Sarah. Did I meet a Sarah today? Does it matter if I remember because I will be waking up to my alarm that sounds like a duck in any minute? Suddenly I am alone with Josh and Tyler. I have no idea if I was supposed to follow Steve. What was the last thing he said? Then for some reason the words come back. I'm living on the same bus as Josh. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I'm glad I did it.

"I have no idea what I'm doing." I blurt out.

Tyler laughs "That's okay either do we!"

I relax a little.


	3. Josh

There are two other people that live on the bus with me. Three others now I guess. Marie isn't the first woman to live on a twenty one pilots bus. I've had a couple come and go on my bus. It's never been weird, I give them their space and they gave me mine. When Tyler and I shared a bus Debby and Jenna would stay with us when they could. For some reason, this felt different. She makes me feel safe and I've known her for an hour.

I show her around the bus and she moves her bags in. When she comes out of the bunk area, I have to get ready for the show.

"Well I have to go warm up, but I'll see you tonight." I say heading to the door. 

I don't want to leave her, I just want to stay and found out why I feel this connection to her. I wonder why I can't get enough of her voice and want to stare at her forever. 

"Do you know what I'm supposed to do?" She asks me.

She is so lost and nervous and I can't let her go. I know what to do.

"Do you want to see the show?"

She gives me a big smile and I have a new goal to see that smile everyday.

Very rarely do I use the "I'm in the band" card, but today I do to get Marie up at the front of the pit. She is by my side of the stage so I can see her even from behind my drums. I look over at Tyler and think that I have no idea what Tyler must be thinking. He didn't say anything about my request. The show starts and I try to find her, but it's hard to see while I'm wearing the ski mask. I can't wait until the moment I reveal my face and I can watch her. Knowing that she seeing me do what I love is making me happier than I've been in a while.

A few songs later I rip off my mask and let the screams wash over me. I see Marie right away like there is a spotlight on her face. She is beaming up at me. I remember that I never even asked her if she knew our music. I find out when I see her singing along with Tyler. She is a fan, which means she knows me. Now I need to know her. 

At the end of the show Tyler and I have a tradition to get into the crowd. As I climb over the barrier, I grab her hand. I give it a squeeze and she squeezes back. It was so quick I'm sure no one noticed. When I hit the drum the crowd is holding I have an energy I didn't have before. As I work my way back out of the crowd and onto the stage, Marie doesn't have her hands up so I can't touch her again. So instead I wink at her. She smiles and leans toward me, but I can't go get her.

Tyler and I say goodbye to our fans and walk backstage. We are both covered in sweat exhausted, but energized. We are both in a desperate need for a shower. We head back into the room we were in this afternoon. Together we sit back down on the couch were we tried to cuddle, but this time we are much farther apart. 

"Another great one my friend." I say. 

"You want to tell me what's going on?" Tyler wastes no time questioning me.

"What are you talking about?" I ask even though I know exactly what he's talking about. I can't hide anything from Tyler.

"You ask to have Marie put up front near you and you two exchange looks all night? What happened when you were on your bus?"

"Nothing happened I just thought if she was going to be working for us she should see a show."

I'm not lying, but I know Tyler sees there is something I'm not telling him. He is my best friend, but I don't think he will understand if I told him I feel like I've known her forever, like she can see right into my soul.

"That's fine I get that, but you have never done that before and..."

Before he can finish Jenna bursts into the room.

"Surprise babe!" she shouts.

Tyler springs up from the couch and runs to hug her. They pull apart after a minute and Jenna remembers me. 

"Hey Josh!"

I smile and give her a little wave. This means no Tyler tonight. I already know this means very little sleep.

"When did you get here?" Tyler asks Jenna.

I don't hear the answer because they start walking away together.

"Goodnight Josh!" I hear Tyler yell down the hall.

I don't bother to yell back. I let out a big sigh as I sit back in the couch. My eyes slowly close, but I know Steve will be in soon to tell me to get back to my bus. I hear my phone ding across the room. I don't want to get up, but it could be Tyler. I pull my sore muscles off the couch. 

It's not Tyler, its a text from Debby. My first text from Debby in three weeks and two days. I'm not sure why I know that. 

"Hi Joshie" The text reads.

She hasn't called me Joshie since we broke up. 

"Hey, What's up?" I text back.

When she texts me she always has a purpose. She will send me links to articles she knows I will like, or she will tell me about a time a fan walked up to her and asked about me. She has never texted to just say hi. Debby never even asked how I was doing after the break up. I shove my phone in my pocket reminded of the pain. 

I head back to my bus. 24 hours ago I thought I would be cuddled up with Tyler and drifting asleep right now. Instead I'm crawling into my bunk very much alone. I didn't see Marie when I got into the bus so I assume she is in her bunk. The bus starts moving letting me know that everyone is safe in the bus and we move on to the next venue. I check my phone again to see if Debby replied.

"I miss you"

There it is. The text I waited a year for. The text I imagined coming up on my phone the day after she gave me all my shirts I left at her house. I've worked really hard not to miss her. I read the text over and over again and it doesn't change. I have no idea how to respond. I can't say I miss you too, because that would be a lie. I miss the feeling of not being alone, but I don't miss her anymore. I don't want to be a jerk to her and say nothing or say the wrong thing. my phone dings again.

"How is the tour going?" Debby asks.

That one I can answer.

"Great. I think our best one yet."

I close my eyes and try to convince myself to sleep, but all I can do is think of Marie.


	4. Josh

I must have slept because I wake up. I look at my phone to if I slept through the night. It's morning and I have a text from Debby. I don't read it though. There is no need to stress myself out already. I get out of my bunk and head to the bathroom. I catch myself in the mirror and that's when I remember I didn't shower last night. Maybe this new venue will have a shower. My hair is a mess and my make up is smudged all over my eyes. I could wipe it off, but really who will care? I won't see Tyler until sound check because he will be with Jenna. I may not miss Debby, but I sure do miss Tyler. It's funny how you can miss someone you see everyday.

In the living room I turn on the TV. Just then the bus door opens and Marie comes in holding and iced coffee and a paper bag. When she sees me on the couch she smiles like she did last night at the show.

"I have your coffee and breakfast!" she says handing me the cup and bag.

I take a sip and look into the bag and it's my usual order. I guess that is how famous I have become that I don't get my own coffee anymore.

"Thanks. This is perfect." There is that smile again. "So how was the show last night?" I ask before I take another drink of coffee.

"It was incredible! I've never been that close before..." She trails off and looks embarrassed like she said the wrong thing.

I laugh a little. "Alright so how many twenty one pilots shows have you been to?"

She squirms a little. "That was number six, but by far the best."

"I'm glad. I could tell you were having fun" Am I flirting? I have no idea. "If anyone asks that was your first show" I add.

I say this more for me than for her. I doubt anyone would care that she was a fan, but they would if they knew I was flirting with my employee. She nods in agreement.

"I have to go to the morning staff meeting"

I can tell in her voice she doesn't want to go, like she is being torn away from something important or someone. She doesn't move though, waiting for my permission to leave. I don't want her to, but I know she has to.

"Have fun!" I give her a big goofy smile. "I'll see you later and thanks again for the coffee!"

She waves goodbye and I'm alone again.

I don't see Marie again until lunch. I have since showered so maybe I look more human. She sits next to me in the venue's cafeteria and Tyler and Jenna sit across from me. The four of us laugh and joke like we have all known each other forever. Marie fits in perfectly. For a moment I'm not alone.

We have another great show and I'm a sweaty mess again. Maybe tonight I can get Tyler to hang out with me. In the dressing room I ask

"Can you stay on my bus tonight? I don't want to be alone."

Tyler looks at me with sad, concerned eyes.

"Not tonight. Jenna is still here, but once she goes back home I promise we will spend lot of time together."

I start to get angry thinking about how before they were married the three of us could share a bus. Why does that need to change just because they now share a name? I guess it's because they are having sex now so they want their space. Once when we shared a bus Debby and I had sex in my bunk while Tyler was in his bunk right across from us. He never knew, so why would I know?

I don't want Tyler to see me get upset so I just leave. On my way back to the bus I hear my phone ding and it's Tyler asking me if I'm okay. Of course I'm not okay. I'm tired of being abandoned by my best friend. I know it's not his fault and he isn't doing it to hurt me, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I text back a simple yes because I know if I don't he will just call until I answer.

I open the bus door and climb in to see Marie in the kitchen dressed in her pajamas. She's wearing long pants and a crop top so I can see the top of her hips. I stop in my tracks and can't help but to stare as she tries to reach into the top cabinet. Her shirt rides up more and I can see her bellybutton. She sees me and jumps back surprised with her hand over her heart.

"You scared me Josh!' She says between breaths.

I like the way my name sounds in her mouth. I wonder what it would sound like if she was moaning it in my ear. I shake my head to try to get rid of the thought.

"Sorry. Do you need help?" I point to the cabinet she was just trying to get into.

"Yeah, for some reason Steve assigned the highest cabinet to the shortest person. I'm trying to get my Oreo's."

"I'm the perfect man for the job and all it will cost you is one Oreo." I give her a wink.

She giggles and it is too much for me to handle. I dig into the cabinet and pull out the package of cookies.

"My hero!" She says like she is in a fairy tale.

I don't know what comes over me, but I lean in close and she doesn't back away. Suddenly I feel my lips touching hers and before I know it we are kissing. I swear I can feel a spark in my lips. Her lips taste faintly of strawberries. I think this is the best kiss I've ever had.


	5. Marie

Just when I've finally convinced myself I wasn't dreaming, and this was in fact my new life, Josh kisses me. It felt real, but sometimes fantasies can feel very real. When he pulls away, the look on his face let's me know he is scared. I need to tell him it's okay, more than okay. I put my hand on his cheek and kiss him back. I feel his arms wrap around my waist and his hands run up and down my back. He walks us over to the couch. I have no intention on stopping whatever is coming next. 

Josh sits down on the couch and out lips break apart. His hands reach up to my hips and drags me down on top of him so I'm sitting on his lap, my legs on either side of his. He is shirtless from the show and wearing the red shorts he changes into for the encore. He looks incredible and I can't keep myself from touching his arms then moving to his chest. He looks up at me and I melt.

"Is this okay?" He asks in a soft voice.

"Yes" I answer.

With that he runs his hands up my legs and stops at my hips. Josh brings his head up to mine and we start kissing again, but this time with more force and purpose. He pushes on my hips and to rock them back and pulls them forward so I'm grinding on his lap. I can feel him getting hard so I grind harder. He lets out a little moan letting me know I'm doing it right. 

Josh's lips travel down to my neck and to my collar bone. I use this as my cue to take my shirt off. So while his lips are kissing my collar bone, moving toward my cleavage, I put my hand on his chin and gently push it back. He looks up at me wondering what I have planned. That's when I slip my top off. His hands leave my hips and move up to my breasts. They spill over in his hands and I can tell he likes that. He then moves his hands to my back and I lean into him. Now our chests are touching and his mouth my right by my ear. I bury my face in his neck and kiss.

"You are so beautiful." He whispers.

A shiver goes up my spine and I feel a tug at my waist band. 

"Take off your pants" Josh begs.

I move my way off his lap and do as I'm told. Now, standing naked, I'm totally exposed to Josh. He looks me over, taking it all in. He reciprocates by pulling down his pants exposing his fully erect cock. It's better than I ever could have imagined because this one is real. He motions for me to come back on his lap. 

I straddle his legs and put my pussy right over his cock. Here comes the moment of truth. I slowly lower my hips down until he is completely inside me. I let out a moan and he echos. I move up and down making us both moan more. The door to the bunk area is closed so I assume no one can hear us. His cock feels so amazing inside me that every time I'm down as far as I can go it hits just the right spot that makes me want to scream. I know I shouldn't so instead I lean into him and moan "Oh Josh" into his ear. 

Clearly this is just the motivation he needs because then he flips me on to my back, without removing himself. Josh is on top of me while I'm laying on the couch. The more he fucks me the closer I get to cumming on his cock. When I feel myself getting on the edge I let him know in his ear by moaning "I'm gunna cum"

He takes this cue to fuck me even harder and then I feel the rush all over by body and my pussy pulses over his cock. Not long after he hides his face in my neck and lets out a long deep moan letting me know he finished inside me. He stays inside for a moment then pulls out and away. I reluctantly let him go. I sit up and try to find my shirt.

"I'm sorry." I hear him say.

I assume it's for cumming inside me, but he has nothing to be sorry for. I pull my shirt on over my head and look back at Josh. He is hunched over with his head in his hands. 

"I'm sorry." He says again.

I put my arm around his back and whisper "Everything is okay" in his ear.

I kiss his cheek and put my pants on. I don't know what we are supposed to do now or what this means. Josh stands up with me and pulls up his own pants and I wait for me to tell me what to do. 

"You need to get to bed" he says before he kisses me again.

I don't want to sleep without him, but I know we can't be caught in the same bunk. How do you say goodnight to someone you just had sex with? I start walking to the bunk door.

"Don't tell anyone" Josh says. 

I nod and head into my bunk, but there is no way I'm sleeping tonight.


	6. Josh

Guilt. Guilt is all I feel. No that's not totally true. I feel shame too. I brought her into my madness. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am not the kind of guy who sleeps with a girl he doesn't know. Just because I feel like I know her doesn't mean I do. I can't deny that that is was amazing, better than amazing. We fit together. That doesn't matter because it can't happen again. I don't know how she feels about this. What was the last thing I said to her?

"Don't tell anyone"

God, I'm horrible. Feelings of doubt, insecurity, guilt and anxiety wash over me. I can't feel my body anymore. I see my hands are shaking, but I feel nothing. This is really bad. I really need to see Tyler, but its too late we are already driving. I do the only thing I can now. I dig in my pants pocket and find my phone to text Tyler.

"I need you."

Hours later and no response the bus finally stops. It's five in the morning and I've had absolutely no sleep. I sneak back to my bunk and grab the first shirt I feel and throw it on. Everyone is wearing red shorts with purple shirts right? I move quietly out of the bus so no one wakes up, but then I run out the door. The sun isn't even up yet so it takes me a minute to figure out where I am. I recognize Tyler's bus and try to open the door, but it's locked.

Really? I don't even have the pass code to his bus. It suddenly hits me why the hell do I not have his pass code? What if he was fighting blurryface and needed me? He wouldn't be able to open the door and I couldn't get in, he might hurt himself again. It's not Tyler that needs help this time though. It's me and I can't wait anymore. I knock as hard as I can, but nothing happens. With each knock I feel tears streaming down my face. If he doesn't answer soon..I.. The door swings open and Tyler is wearing an over sized white shirt and black pants. He rubs his eyes trying to wake up. 

"Josh? What's wrong?"

Once Tyler realizes I'm crying he grabs my arm and pulls me into the bus.

"I really need to talk to you" I say through sobs.

"Come and sit down. Do you want some coffee or something?" He asks

"No, I just need to sit with you." I feel my hands shaking again once I'm on the couch.

"Okay let's calm down"

Tyler wraps his arms around my body and I put my head on his chest. He slowly rocks me back and forth. I feel my anxieties melting away. This is my safe space. Tyler always understands me. After a few minutes I have calmed down.

"You wanna tell me what's going on?" Tyler asks.

I pull away a little and I can't hide my shame inside of me so I blurt out "I had sex with Marie last night."

Tyler's eyes find mine and he takes a second to process What I've just told him. Maybe he is waiting for me to say more. 

"You had sex with Marie and you are crying." Tyler says slowly.

I have no idea where he is going with his thought.

"Is she okay? I mean...did she...agree to this?"

I can't believe what he is saying to me right now.

"What are you asking me Tyler? Do you really think I'm the kind of guy who rapes a woman? Is that really what you are taking from this? Of course she agreed!"

"Alright! I'm sorry you just seem really upset about it and I need to understand why."

"I need to know why too. That's why I'm upset. I've felt a connection to her since we've met. I can't place it, but it's like...I love her, but I don't know her. Plus I've been really lonely lately."

Tyler lets go of me and sits back.

"I'm sorry, but when did you become the guy that sleeps with someone you don't know and someone that works for us on top of it?"

"I came to you because I felt bad about it. I'm getting her into something that she shouldn't have to be in and you are judging me?" I ask stunned. 

"I'm not judging you. I'm just having a hard time understanding." Tyler takes a breath and reaches for my hand, but I pull back.

"Yeah me too, that's the problem. Don't you get that?"

"I get that I don't know who you are anymore."

"How can you say that to me? I make one mistake and you act like you can't even deal with me!"

I'm getting angry. I've never been angry at Tyler before and I don't like it at all.

"Josh, you made a mistake that doesn't just effect you, but Marie. That's the problem here."

"What if it wasn't a mistake though? Maybe this happened for a reason." I plead to Tyler. 

He thinks about this for a minute and then says just what I didn't want him to say.

"You have to fire her. I don't care if you do it or Steve does it, but she can't stay."

"Well she's not going anywhere. She didn't do anything wrong and doesn't deserve that." 

That's when I get off the couch and leave Tyler's bus. I honestly don't know what I wanted Tyler to say, but him judging me only made things worse.


	7. Josh

I have only felt Tyler's judgment once before. We were having breakfast the morning after Tyler and Jenna's wedding. Most people might think it's strange to be with your friend during the first days of marriage, but to us it felt normal. Debby and I had stayed at the same hotel as Tyler and Jenna. While the girls slept in Tyler and I ate waffles. 

"So how did last night go?" I joke, not expecting a real answer. 

"Not what I thought at all man. She kept telling me that it hurt and she bled on the white sheets. I feel awful. No one told me it was going to be like that. I'm not sure why she would want to try again." Tyler responds.

"It was your first time. It can be like that. It will get better." 

"How do you know?" He asks

"I just know. It won't be like that next time you just need to do it again. I promise you and Jenna will like it eventually."

I guess it was my confident answer or a look on my face, but something told Tyler that I wasn't a virgin and I had taken someone's virginity. I could tell he was uncomfortable knowing this and didn't talk to me the rest of the day even though we said the four of us would hang out. The next day Tyler and I were back to normal and he acted like he had never been mad, if that's what he was. I had a feeling this time was going to be much different. 

When I get back into my bus my extreme lack of sleep has caught up with me. I snuggle up in my bunk finally ready for sleep.

I wake up in time to get ready for the show. I drag myself out of my bunk to find my coffee and breakfast had been waiting for me all day. The brown paper bag has "JOSH =)" written in black marker facing me. Marie must have written that. That's when I remember that I haven't talked to her and I have no idea how she is feeling. Although the smiley face could be saying a lot. Maybe she did that to tell me that she was happy or I make her happy. Maybe I am thinking too much.

...

Tonight's show was terrible. Tyler didn't say a word to me before and during he only looked at me when he had to. We can't keep playing shows like this. People will start to notice something is wrong. Our fans can't come to a show and see two guys who used to be best friends hate each other.

I follow Tyler into his dressing room to try to talk to him, but really I have no plan. How do you make up with someone you have never fought with before?

"What do you want Josh?" Tyler asks without even looking at me.

"We have to fix this Ty. This band doesn't work if we aren't okay." I hope I can get through to him.

"Jenna and I woke up to coffee and bagels this morning." Tyler says while taking off his stage paint from his neck. His eyes focus on me through the mirror. 

"That's...nice..." I say. I have no idea where he is going with this, but I listen.

"Then later after sound check, which you didn't show up for, I find my laundry was done for me and folded nicely in the drawers under my bunk."

"and you are mad about this?" I ask.

Now I'm just getting annoyed. I thought Tyler would have missed me and want to make up, but his attitude is telling a different story.

Tyler continues on. "Then in the dressing room I had two redbulls and Snackpacks waiting for me. You know who did all that today?"

The dots are connecting and I know where he is going with this. I let out a big sigh to let him know how annoyed I am.

"Was it Marie?" I ask knowing the answer.

"I still think firing her is the right answer. Since I know you didn't do it, I will."

I can not believe Tyler is acting like this. I honesty didn't know he had it in him to be this mean.

"Right so, what reason are you going to give Steve to have her be fired? Are you going to say "Josh had sex with her so she can't wash my underwear anymore"?"

Tyler turns around and meets my eyes.

"No, I'll say she had Josh crying in my bus at five in the morning and I'll do anything to make sure that doesn't happen again."

"I told you none of this was her fault. I brought her into my mess and I'm the only one that can fix it."

Since I can't fix things with Tyler, I have to go fix things with Marie. I leave Tyler in his dressing room and go back to my bus.


	8. Marie

I haven't seen Josh since last night. His coffee and breakfast stare at me from the counter untouched. Is that his way of sending me a message to back off? When he said "Don't tell anyone" I thought he was protecting me and my job. Now I wonder if he was included in that group of anyone.

I sit on the same couch and am wearing the same clothes to try to hold on to something from last night. I know I will see Josh again because it is literally my job to make sure he is okay. When I know where he is that is. I'm just flipping through what few channels we can get on the bus TV when Josh comes in. My heart skips a beat. I'm still amazed it's really him every time I see him. I wonder what he thinks when he sees me.

"Hey" he says. 

I sit up straight, although I'm not sure why.

"Hey" I answer back softly, like he is a deer I'm trying not to spook.

Josh looks nervous, making me nervous. This is when I find out my fate.

"I think we need to talk about what happened with us last night. I didn't handle things right at all. I need you to know that I don't do that. I don't sleep with people that I'm not in a relationship with."

There it is. This is his regret speech. His 'your nice and all, but this can't happen again' speech. 

"I get it...you really don't need to.." Josh cuts me off.

"No hold on let me finish. This isn't coming out right. I've been having a tough time lately, I haven't been able to to hang out with Tyler as much as I need to..."

Josh pauses and shifts around where he stands. His head falls down into his hands. Without even thinking I get up from the couch and put my arms around his shoulders. I can feel him relax a little. My hand moves down to his and I interlock our fingers.

"Come here." I whisper as I lead him back over to sit on the couch.

Josh takes a few deep breaths and continues. 

"When I first saw you I knew that you were the most beautiful girl in the world. I didn't want to be apart from you, so that's why I invited you to the show. When I'm around you I don't feel lonely, and I am so tired of being lonely. Last night I got caught up in my own emotions and they exploded. But it was no excuse for what I did. I want us to start over the way we should have started. So what I'm saying is would you like to go on a date with me?"

I flash him a big smile. 

"Of course I would love to."

...

There is no show tonight so we all have a day off. Even better it means I get to sleep in a hotel. I can't wait to sleep in a real bed and shower in a real bathroom, even if it is only for one night. Josh and I have plans to spend the whole day together and to really get to know each other.

I get dressed and put on my make up the best I can in the tiny bus bathroom mirror. When I get out Josh is standing right outside waiting for me. He looks like a little kid at Christmas waiting for his parents to tell him it's okay to open presents. 

"You ready?" he asks before be bites his lip.

"Coffee first?" I ask

"Coffee first!" Josh echoes excitedly. 

We find a small local coffee shop, order and sit down at a table away from the crowd. 

"So I'm dying to know, tell me about the other twenty one pilots shows you went to." Josh says after taking a big drink of coffee.

I laugh. "You seriously want me to tell you about your band's show? I mean you were there!" 

"I was, but I didn't know you were. Tell me, how was I?"

"We're still talking about drumming right?" I joke

Josh blushes and lets out a nervous laugh. I drink in his pure adorableness. 

We talk for hours and I tell him about the first time I heard a twenty one pilots' song and how I didn't understand how anyone could like it. Then I listened a second time and my life completely changed. I tell him about my third concert when I camped out in front of the venue in hopes of seeing Josh or Tyler even for a second. If I would haven known then that someday I would be dating Josh, I could have saved myself and gotten a good night's sleep that night. He tells me the real story of how he met Tyler and how they started playing together. 

After a while our talks move away from band stuff to life stuff. He tells me about Debby and I tell him about my ex boyfriend. We have both been hurt and moved on. I've never been able to talk like this to anyone before. He is so nice and calm while listening to me, taking in every word.

After we both agree that we can't sit anymore and need to move, we find a park and walk around hand in hand. Even though it was a simple day, it was easily the best date I have ever been on.


	9. Josh

I couldn't sleep last night, but this time it was excitement that kept me up and not my anxiety. As soon as I heard my security guy, Marcus, up and about I jumped out of my bunk to talk to him. I can hardly ever go anywhere on tour without my security guy anymore. I don't really understand why because I've never been scared when someone comes up to me. It has always been a sweet fan just wanting to talk to me. Just another price of "fame" I guess.

I needed to convince Marcus to let me go out with Marie alone, without letting him know it was a date. Marcus would undoubtedly tell Steve, who could very easily fire Marie for dating her employer. This is getting more complicated by the minute. Tyler and I have been able to slip away from Marcus' watchful eye before just to feel normal again. However, I have never had to ask him to stay back for a whole day. I follow him into our tiny kitchen area and he opens up the fridge and pulls out a water bottle.

"Josh my man! What's got you up this early?" He asks when he sees me. He was so awake and cheerful.

"I actually need to ask you a favor. A big favor, maybe the biggest favor I will ever ask of you." I waste no time with small talk I just need to get down to business. 

"Wow sounds so serious. Whats's up my man?" 

"I'm going out today, for the whole day. I won't be back until I go to my hotel room to sleep. But I need to go alone and I need you to not tell anyone where I am."

"No can do Josh-o! That would be like you telling Tyler I can't drum tonight and you can't find a replacement. It's my job to be with you when you leave the venue area."

"I don't think that is quite the same, but anyway, I know it's your job. Today, however your job is to take the day off. I promise to bring you back something if you let me go alone."

Marcus thinks about this for a moment then answers "If I get in trouble, It's all on you alright?" He laughs.

"Deal!" I'm so happy this took way less convincing than I thought. I am in no position to question his motives.

"I want to hear all about her when you get back!" He calls to me as I head back to my bunk.

...

A date this special doesn't come around everyday, or even in every lifetime. On a date like this there is only one place I would dream of going to dinner. I know other guys would pick a nice place with a french sounding name and a dress code, but that's just not me. I want to go somewhere I feel comfortable, so naturally I take Marie to Taco Bell.

After a coffee shop and a walk around a park, we take an Uber to the nearest Taco Bell. I'm thankful Marie happily agreed to such a relaxed meal. There has only really been one other person I've been able to feel this open and free with. Tyler has been the only person in my whole life who has ever understood what it was like to fight off fears and doubts. Marie and I haven't talked quite that deeply yet, but it will have to come up at some point. Thinking about this makes me miss Tyler. This fight, or whatever it is, has to end soon. I know it has to be breaking Tyler apart too.

I try to keep thoughts of Tyler away and keep focused on Marie. After dinner we both agreed it was time to go back to the hotel. Suddenly I get nervous thinking about how to properly end the date. I don't want to go back to my empty hotel room and attempt to sleep in an unfamiliar bed. I did tell Marie that I wanted to date her as if nothing had already happened between us. That would mean I would walk her to her door and maybe give her a kiss, but that would be all for a first date. It would not mean inviting her into my room to spend the night even though that's really what I want to do. Maybe it was naive of me to think I could pretend that us being so intimate hadn't effected me.

"I hope you had a good day off because I plan on being extra demanding tomorrow." I give her a big smile and laugh so Marie knows I'm joking as we stand outside my hotel room door.

"Oh really?" She laughs back. "Something to look forward to."

I feel a rush of confidence through my veins and I hear myself say "I think my first demand is that you come spend the night with me."

She grabbed her bags and moved into my room. She took a long shower, and I prided myself in not peeking in even when I really wanted to. I need to prove to her this is not just about sex for me. Clearly I have a lot of making up to do. She came out of the bathroom wearing a Panic! at the disco shirt and shorts. Yeah, I think I made the right decision to have her stay with me. We feel asleep watching some movie on the TV. I got the best night of sleep in my life with her in my arms.

That is until I wake up in the morning to someone banging on the door. Who in the world could that be? I untangle myself from Marie and walk across the room to the door. 

"Josh..?" I hear Marie say from the bed.

"Don't get up. I'm getting it." 

I open the door to Marcus's smiling face.

"Josh! You are going to miss breakfast!" Why is he always so damn perky in the morning?

"You are not seriously waking me up just for breakfast" I groan.

"I know how you love hotel breakfast and I didn't want you to miss it!"

"Is this my punishment for not taking you with me yesterday?" I close the door around me so Marcus won't be able to see inside my room and see who is inside.

"What are you hiding back there Josh?" Marcus moves his head around to try to peek through between the door crack and my body. "oooh I know what's going on. You brought the mystery girl back to your hotel room! Josh got laid!"

"Will you keep it down!" I whisper.

"Right! Sorry! Well, you can't keep her a secret from me too long man."

Marcus walks away and down the hall. He was right though, this secret can't stay a secret long in such close quarters.


	10. Tyler

Jenna is sleeping peacefully in our hotel bed while I toss and turn. Everything is wrong. I have always been able to get my feelings through to Josh. Now it's like we are speaking two different languages. Maybe it's my fault because I haven't been spending enough time with him. I know our relationship hasn't been the same since I married Jenna. I don't think Josh knows how torn I am. I have two people who both need me and want to spend time alone with me. I also need my own alone time, I have to preform an amazing show every night, do radio interviews where they like to bring up my anxieties over and over again, I'm trying to write new songs and be a good brother and son. I'm being pulled in so many different directions and I can't make anyone happy. Now Josh is suffering the most.

I feel my heart start to race thinking about Josh. That too familiar feeling of anxiety creeps in. My mind flashes back to when I opened my bus door and he was crying. He looked so scared and helpless. I'd never seen him that vulnerable before. Whenever he comes to me upset I tell him to take deep breaths in and out in and out. I was already very protective of his feelings, but this time it wasn't all internal for him. This had external factors. I'd do anything to keep Josh safe, so the only solution is to get rid of the external factor, Marie. He doesn't see what I see he doesn't understand that if he's not okay I can't be okay. After he stormed out of my bus, I found my way back to Jenna and I's bunk and grab my phone out of habit. I have a text from Josh sent at midnight. "I need you."

My heart sinks. I've been a terrible friend. What was I doing that was so important that I couldn't be a good friend to Josh? I hear Jenna let out a little sigh and shift a little. Oh yeah, I was trying to be a good husband. Why is it so hard to be both? 

Remembering that night brings back all the feelings of doubt and insecurity. I want to give Jenna and Josh everything they need, but I'm only one person. I always find a way to let someone down.

"Good morning Ty." I hear to my right. Oh god was it morning already? "Want to go get breakfast?" Jenna asks sweetly. 

Josh and I love eating hotel breakfast together. It's been a tradition ever since we started touring. Maybe I can convince Josh to eat with me and Jenna. Although I know he has never been that comfortable with Jenna.

"Tyler?" I hear again. I realize I waited too long to respond.

"Let's get breakfast" I say dragging out the words just a little so maybe she will hear my apprehension.

Jenna and I get off the elevator and head straight for the breakfast buffet. She loads her plate with fruit and goes to find a table. After a few minutes of waiting for my waffle to cook, I scan the room for Jenna. Instead I spy Josh and I start to make my way over to his table. I stop dead in my tracks when I see that he is not alone. A strange feeling comes over me. What is this? Jealously? Betrayal? 

I'm too far away to hear what they are saying, but I see Marie's mouth move and Josh's break into a huge smile and he let's out a laugh. She sits back in her chair and covers her laugh with one hand and reaches across the table with the other. Josh gently touches her hand before quickly pulling back. They start to settle down their laughter and stare at each other silently still smiling. It doesn't seem like an awkward silence, it feels lived in. Josh's face looks so alive, yet he has a softness to him. I've seen that face before like when I told him Fueled by Ramen called me and wanted to sign us to their label. Or right after the first time we played a show to more than five people and in the moments before he drifts off to sleep in my lap.

What kind of person am I to stand in the way of this kind of happiness? He hadn't been upset because of Marie, he was upset for her. He let his dark thoughts get the best of him and then I caused him more pain on top of it. I was his one safe place to run to and I turned him away. I couldn't hear what he was telling me, but now it's clear.

I take a step forward toward Josh's table. but I'm stopped again. This time it's by Jenna. "Tyler? What are you doing just standing there? come over to my table."

I snap out of my thoughts and look into Jenna's soft blue eyes. She could always bring me back.

"Yeah be right there."

Jenna walks away and I give Josh one last look and that's when his head turns. Our eyes meet and his smile drops. I'm right back to choosing between my wife and my best friend. Josh makes my decision for me when he looks down at his plate. I walk in the same direction as Jenna and shake my head to keep the tears that I feel building in the back of my head from moving forward.


	11. Josh

The first shows back after any kind of break are always my favorite. I have more pent up energy after just one day off that all the songs feel new again. Each show and each crowd have their own energy and vibe that I feed off of, making every time I play a different experience. With every beat of the drums I feel the vibrations move from my hands, through my arms and into my body. About halfway into the set Tyler stops to talk to the audience.

"Give it up for your drummer Josh Dun!"

I give a quick beat on the drum for the screaming fans. When they calm down Tyler keeps talking, but this time it's off script.

"I just want to say a few words about Josh real quick. Not only is he the best drummer in the world, but he is the greatest best friend in the world. He is always so kind and caring of other people's feelings above his own." Now he is looking at me instead of the crowd. "and I'm grateful to have him in the band because there is no one else I'd rather have with me on tour."

Tyler motions for me to come over so I leave my drums and meet him at the front of the stage. He brings me into a hug and the crowd goes crazy screaming. Tyler turns his head away from the microphone and whispers "I'm sorry. I love you man."

"I love you too man." I say patting his back.

We break away and I look into his sincere eyes. I embrace the rush of excitement Tyler's change of heart gives me by making the rest of the show one of the best yet. Tyler and I fed off of each other's renewed energy to make up for the last show. After we say our goodbyes and bow, Tyler and I head off to his dressing room together. I grab a towel and wipe away the sweat from my face.

"So what bought that on?" I ask still trying to catch my breath.

"I finally understood what you were trying to tell me that night on my bus. I need you to know that I'm here for you. In fact, it's just me and you hanging out for the rest of the night."

"What about Jenna?" I ask unconvinced.

"I sent her home. I told her I haven't been spending enough time with you and that's not fair."

I can't believe that Tyler would pick me over his wife even if it was just for one night. I don't know if he knows how reassuring this one act is for me. I can start to feel like a whole person again.

Back in my bus Tyler and I have decided we need some Mario Kart playing time. We sit close on my couch, playing video game after video game while talking and laughing. Each time my eyes move from the TV to his face he has such a genuine smile. He is the same awkward kid I met in Ohio who didn't know where his life would end up, but told me he wanted to be there with him. I get so lost looking at him thinking about how far we have come that he beats me in the game.

"Behold your champion!" Tyler yells throwing his hands above his head. "Face it Josh you cannot dethrone the Mario Kart king!"

"The king lives another day!" I laugh

I look over to my right when I hear the door to the bunk area open. Marie is standing there with her Panic! shirt that's just a little too big and her eyes squinting at us.

"Oh man I'm sorry I woke you up. I was too loud." Tyler apologies.

"No, you guys are fine." She says moving toward the bathroom.

Once the bathroom door closes Tyler says, "Dude you should go spend some time with Marie. It's late and I need to sleep anyway. Go hang out in your bunk or something. I'll just sleep here."

"It's like three in the morning what makes you think she wants to hang out?"

"Who would pass up a chance to spend time with Josh Dun?" Tyler asks. 

Marie leaves the bathroom and heads back behind the bunk door without a word. I watch her walk away and think "Who would pass up a chance to spend time with Marie Lapine?" I stand up and turn to Tyler.

"Are you sure you are okay with this?"

"I'm okay if you are okay." Tyler answers.

I catch Marie right before she got back into bunk and she agreed to hang out in mine for a bit before we go to sleep. We snuggle up in my bunk with her against the wall and her head on my chest.

"So what did you do today?" She asks as if she doesn't know.

"Well, I went to this twenty one pilots concert that was pretty cool."

She lifts her head to look into my eyes. "Oh that does sound cool." She smiles at me sweetly.

I take my hand and move her hair out of her face. I stare at her for just a moment telling myself not to kiss her, but then she plants her lips on mine. I kiss her back and feel my hand moving under her shirt and we both know where this is going.

...

After Marie rolls off from on top of me, she looks around for her shirt. Instead she puts on my blue NASA shirt.

"I invite you in my bunk and you steal my shirt?" I tease.

"Don't you think it looks good on me?" She asks before sticking out her bottom lip at me.

"I do. Which is why it's yours now."

I'd give her anything of mine if it meant more nights like this. She does an awkward wiggle back into her shorts. As she does something on her leg catches my eye.

"Wait a minute how have I not seen this yet?" My hand runs over her tattoo of our band logo. |-/

"I was wondering when you would notice that" she says.

"You know what this means right? Tyler and I can never break up the band!"

"I completely agree." She says sleepily while snuggling back in with me.

"We can't sleep in the same bunk so no sleeping yet." I say feeling my heavy eyes closing.

"Right no sleeping." is the last thing I hear Marie say.

...

Hours later I feel Marie shaking me to wake up.

"Josh we fell asleep! I'm going to be late to the morning meeting!"

I spring up at her words. We can't get caught together and if it's morning that means Steve or Marcus will be up and around the bus.

"I'll make sure you aren't late." I tell her.

Marie and I hop out of my bunk at the same time to see Steve standing right in front of us. He looks at Marie wearing my shirt and her shorts and me wearing nothing but my underwear.

"Marie get ready for the meeting." Steve says firmly, but calm.

Marie ducks into her bunk, grabs some clothes and walks away to the bathroom.

"You and I will talk later." Steve says pointing at me and walking away.

About an hour later Steve comes back to find me now fully dressed in my bunk. I know I need to plead my case to make sure Marie does't take the heat for my mistakes.

"Please don't fire her, it's my fault really. Punish me if you have to, but please don't make her leave" I beg before Steve even says anything.

"It's already done Josh. She is in a car on her way to the airport right now."

I don't say a word. I rush right past him, thinking of all the ways I could get to the airport before she is gone forever. I have to get there fast because she already has an hour head start.

I open the bus door and see a girl with long curly red hair and big amber eyes.

"Hey Josh." the girl says.

and just like that Debby was back.


	12. Marie

I have never been more humiliated in my entire life. Before this my most embarrassing moment was when I spilled red wine on a woman who was wearing a white dress when I worked at that Italian restaurant. Being fired and given a lecture on "workplace professionalism", AKA not sleeping with Josh, is far higher on the embarrassing scale. 

"We hope you enjoy your flight to Kansas City." I hear overhead.

Why would they say something like that? I cannot enjoy this flight back home that I was forced onto. I especially will not enjoy being taken away from Josh. I have a dream life for one week and it's over just as quickly as it started. I barely hear the flight attendant ask me if I want anything to drink because I'm so lost in my own thoughts. The flight feels long and cramped. I keep hoping the pilot will announce the plane needs to go back for some reason and I can run and find Josh. Instead we land in Kansas City where my sister Charlotte is waiting for me.

I see her right away once I'm in the airport terminal. She doesn't have the same excited expression she did when she was dropping me off. I haven't told her the whole story yet and I am not looking forward to forming the words and hearing them come out of my mouth.

Charlotte is wearing a pink Nike top and black leggings that stop at her calves. She always looks like she is on her way to the gym. I'm wearing skinny jeans and a black v-neck. We have always been opposites. She likes to run while I like to read. She doesn't have any tattoos and will never get one, while I am always planning my next one. She has a masters degree and I dropped out after two years and have worked in customer service jobs my whole life. Despite all of this we have always been there for each other and I'm really going to need her now. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Charlotte asks.

"Right now all I want to do is get my bags and go home." I say.

I know I can't put off telling her what happened for very long, but I can at least put off having a break down in the middle of the airport. 

The car ride home is quiet, but as soon as we get into my apartment my time is up.

"Alright you have go to tell me what happened. Why are you back?" Charlotte asks right after shutting the door.

I drop my bags and sink into my couch. Looking around my apartment everything looks the same as when I left. I could almost pretend no time had passed.

"Well you know I told you I got assigned to work with Twenty One Pilots, but there was a lot I didn't tell you.:

Charlotte comes over onto the couch with me and gives me a look that lets me know she is listening.

"I guess it started on my second night when Josh kissed me." I start.

"Wait which one is Josh?" Charlotte asks.

She and I never did share the same musical taste. She was always content listening to whatever was popular on the radio. I however need something with more meaning and not just written to make money to be satisfied. 

"Josh is the drummer." I answer. 

I continue to tell her the story of how we ended up on his couch together, the perfect date, sleeping in his bunk and ultimately getting caught. Charlotte stares at me in disbelief. I don't blame her, if anyone else had told me this story I wouldn't believe it either.

"And Josh just let you go?" Charlotte finally asks.

"He wasn't there when I was fired so I'm sure he didn't find out until I was gone."

"Okay, but why didn't he say something to your boss right when you two were caught?"

"Like what? It happened so fast there was no time to think." I try to think back to that moment and wonder if that was true.

"I don't know, but it doesn't sound like he fought for you. I mean he didn't meet you at the airport or anything?"

"Well no but...." I say before Charlotte cuts me off

"I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like he really cares that much about you. I think you were just his fling for the week."

Charlotte's words are hitting hard. Maybe she was right and I had been misreading the whole situation. I thought Josh liked me and cared about me, but here I am miles away from him. How could he let me go so easily?

"I better get going, but if you need anything just call me." Charlotte says interrupting my thoughts. 

"Thanks for bringing me home." I tell her even though all she has done is made me feel worse.

Charlotte starts to open the front door, but before stepping out she turns back to me and says "Don't worry too much about it, you can always go back to being a sever."

She always did know just the right thing to say that would drive me crazy. I don't look in her direction, but I know she is gone when I hear the door click closed. I pull my phone out of my pocket with the indent of texting Josh. I unlock my phone and stare at it blankly. I don't have Josh's number. I guess I just assumed I would always be near him and didn't think about getting his number. The only proof I have that my time with Josh was real are my memories, which now thanks to Charlotte I need to totally analyse through a new perspective, and his shirt I still have in my suitcase.

I toss my phone across the couch and leap off to my suitcase on the floor. I quickly unzip the bag and start throwing out every shirt that isn't Josh's until I see the NASA logo looking at me. I carefully pick it up as if it could crumble away at any moment. As I move it closer to myself I notice it still smells like him despite having been mixed in with my things all day. I rip off my plain black shirt and black lace bra so that when I put his shirt on there is nothing between it and my skin.

Charlotte can't say that Josh never cared about me when she wasn't there. She didn't see the way he would look at me when I entered a room or the way he squeezed my hand when we walked around the pond at the park. Unless he does that with all the pretty girls he meets. I can't let myself think that way. I need to keep my memories as what I thought they were, the beginning of a great love story. Then again I'm home with no way of knowing if I will ever see Josh again.

Later that night in my bed I scroll through my Instagram feed. I stop at a photo posted by a twenty one pilots fan account I follow. It's of Josh and Debby. 

It must be an old picture from when they were together, but Josh looks the same as when I left him this morning only wearing clothes

It must be an old picture from when they were together, but Josh looks the same as when I left him this morning only wearing clothes. I read some of the comments and they are a flood of fans hoping Josh and Debby are back together and are so happy for this new picture. New picture?

I go to Debby's Instagram page and the first photo that pops up is the photo in question. It was posted only hours ago. Not long after I left his bunk. I guess Charlotte was more right than I thought. Josh never cared about me. He was just passing time. I cover my face with his shirt and deeply inhale his smell and I feel like I'm right back with him.


	13. Josh

"What are you doing here?" I ask Debby in a panicked voice.

"I just really wanted to see you. Aren't you happy to see me?" She says the last part she sounds disappointed as if I've just crushed any hope inside of her.

Boy, do I not have time for this.

"I'm actually just on my way somewhere so I can't stay" I say inching away from her.

"I came all the way from LA to see you. Do you have to leave right now?"

I'm not so sure she is really allowed to use that guilt trip when she just showed up out of nowhere, for reasons I don't yet know. What I want to say to her right then is _"No one asked you to do that!"_ to show her how ridiculous her argument to get me to stay is. Instead I say "Go wait in my bus. We can talk later." So I don't prolong this conversation.

Of course I don't know when I'll be back or who will be with me. Debby seems to be okay with my solution and climbs up the stairs into my bus then closes the door behind her. Relieved I was able to dodge my first obstacle, temporarily at least, I keep walking toward what I hope is the way to the street. I don't get even 10 feet away when I'm stopped again, this time by Marcus.

"Josh!" I see his tall muscular figure walking toward me. "I told you that you couldn't keep a secret from me!"

I REALLY don't have time for this conversation. Every second that passes is another second Marie is moving farther away from me. I feel like I'm in a fairy tale where the hero has to fight his way through the kingdom to win the princess. I just need a sword to slay this dragon and I'm on my way to the castle.

"When Debby told me she was here to see you I put it all together." Marcus said making me stop.

If he thinks the girl I've been hiding is Debby then he is still clueless about Marie. The dragon just became a little smaller.

"Yeah, thanks so much for that." I lace my sentence with sarcasm a little heavier than I intended.

"You don't need to keep Debby from me! We go way back you know."

Marcus was right. Debby was right by my side when I first met Marcus and the three of us have been on many dates together. He probably knows her just as well as I do. Well, almost.

"Look, there is something I need to go do on my own so..." I start to walk away again.

"No way man. I was just coming to get you and Tyler. You guys have radio interviews today."

The dragon is growing.

"Tyler can do them by himself. I'm really busy today."

I raise my sword to the dragon.

"You're right you are busy doing interviews today." He puts his arm around my shoulders to lead me back to the bus. "I don't want to be the one to remind you that you are contractually obligated to do these interviews."

The dragon has breathed fire and melted my sword while my princess still waits helplessly. It seems like not that long ago I would roll out of bed no earlier than noon, hang out with Tyler all day and play shows in basement bars all night. Now people are telling me I am 'contractually obligated' and every minute of my life is planned just because I wanted to make money playing music.

Defeated, I slowly climb each step back into my bus. I see Tyler sitting on one end of the couch and Debby on the other. My mind flashes back to two years ago when Tyler and I finally had enough money to upgrade from the 16 passenger van to the tour bus.

_After Tyler, Jenna Debby and I explored every inch of the bus the four of us stood in the living area amazed._

_"You know, I think this means we really made it." I say breaking the silence._

_Tyler doesn't say anything or even smile, he just looks around still trying to take it all in. Tyler's vision of success was never money and fame._

_"Yep it's only champagne and caviar from here on out." I say trying to get Tyler to laugh or at least crack a smile._

_"I guess we are really going places now." Tyler says softly, like his mind is somewhere else._

_I feel Debby's arms wrap around my waist. She looks up at me and whispers "and I'll be right there with you in all those places."_

_I kiss her forehead and bring her in closer. Like a fool, I completely believed her._

When I come back to the present Tyler is giving me a look that says "What the hell is going on?" I give him one back that I hope says "I don't know, but you have to help me."

"Tyler. Josh. Your car is outside to take you to the radio station." Steve says while holding his walkie talkie.

"I really think Tyler is much better at doing interviews than I am. I'm just going to sit this one out." I try one last weak attempt to be alone, but I'm guessing Steve is not in the mood to do me any favors.

Steve shoots me a harsh look and says "You are not doing anything today except the interviews and the show. You got that?"

I'm sure these interviews are scheduled months in advance, but it feels like today's were set up just to get in my way. As if Steve knew I was running to the airport when I practically knocked him over a few minutes ago and called every radio station in the area.

"Don't worry Josh, Debby can come with you." Marcus says behind me.

Debby's face lights up, and I know there is no going back now.

...

To say that today was not going as planned is an understatement. Driving to the radio station, I sat in the back seat behind the driver, Tyler behind Marcus in the front seat and Debby smashed in the middle. I desperately need to tell Tyler about Marie's whereabouts, but I can't get a minute alone with him. I also want to explain to him about Debby's sudden reappearance, but first someone needs to explain it to me. Her knee is touching mine, and there is a soft smile on her face even though she must be uncomfortable.

For some reason it reminds of the time the four of us went to the beach. I drove my car with Tyler in the front seat and Jenna and Debby in the back. We had packed my car so full of stuff for the picnic and beach games that Debby had almost no room in her seat. I looked back at her in the rear view mirror and she gave me a little wink letting me know she was fine. I laughed at her trying to get her seat belt on with a beach ball in her lap. She could make the simplest things funny.

I drifted away long enough for us to arrive at the radio station without me really noticing the drive. Marcus lead us inside and into a room where we were be prepped with the questions the interviews would ask. When it is time for Tyler and I to go into the recording booth, Tyler goes in first and I trail behind. Right before I'm in the door way Debby says "Josh look here!"

I look up to see her phone posed and ready to take a picture. I don't even have time to register what is happening before she snaps what I'm sure is a very bad photo of me. When we were together she would take tons of candid pictures of me. Most I didn't even know she had taken until I saw them on her phone or Instagram. I wonder what she did with the pictures of me sleeping or of me looking in a different direction than the camera. I doubt she would have cluttered her phone with them for this long.

_"Why don't you at least get rid of the blurry ones?" I ask Debby while scrolling through the pictures of me she managed to sneak today._

_"The blurry ones are my favorite! That's when I caught you moving." She says trying to get her phone away from me._

_"You know that's why some people take video right?" I hold her phone up above my head so she can't reach it._

_"Just let me have my pictures, okay? They help when I have to be in LA filming." She looks so sad bringing up Los Angeles._

_"Fine, but if you are going to take so many_ _try to_ _get my good side." I hand her back her phone only to hear the shutter sound again._

Having Debby right in front of me is bringing up so many memories I thought would be long gone by now. It all feels so familiar, like the year apart was only a week. Maybe I had missed her more than I thought. Or were those feelings just a replacement for what I can't have?


	14. Josh

I wasn't lying when I said that Tyler was better at doing interviews than me. He has a way of twisting the question and taking the interviewer on such an interesting journey that they don't even realize that he hasn't answered the question. When I get the microphone in front of me I hear words fall out of my mouth and hope they make some sort of sense. My mind is racing and I can't sit still. My legs are bouncing up and down and I can't seem to let go of the zipper on my jacket. I know Tyler can feel my restlessness because he keeps looking over at me every chance he gets. This room feels smaller by the minute. 

I get some relief when the interview is over and the DJ says "That was great guys! If you don't mind sticking around for a couple minutes we can knock out a few promos."

"Yeah of course." Tyler answers.

"Stay where you are and I'll be right back with the scripts." The DJ says before leaving the room.

I wonder if I ever really had a choice to stay or not. I probably signed some paper that said I would stay in this shrinking room no matter how big my anxiety grows. The DJ was just being polite asking us if we could stay. We all know Tyler and I are stuck here until we have sufficiently tricked the world into thinking they know us.

"Okay, you have got to tell me what is going on" Tyler says to me as soon as we are alone.

I know I don't have much time and I don't know if I'll get Tyler alone again today. I need to spill before I drown in anxiety.   

"Marie was fired this morning and when I tried to leave to go get her Debby just showed up out of nowhere. I haven't had a chance to find out why shes here. While Marie is just gone and I have no way to talk to her and tell her how I feel. This is exactly what I was afraid of. She must be hurt, confused and probably hates me."

 Somehow Tyler can stay calm while I become more panicked thinking about how I can't be where Marie is to reassure her. I told her on our date that we should try to take things slow to really get to know each other. Then the next night I contradict myself by having sex again. I don't know what she must think of me. I don't know what I think of me.

"Okay. We can fix this. We just need a plan." Tyler says confidently.

"I wish I could just call her, but I was an idiot and didn't even ask her for her phone number." I run my hands through my hair to keep them from shaking.

"You don't have her number?" Tyler looks at me like his hope is fading. He is silent for a couple of seconds until it seems like a light bulb turns on above his head. "Marcus could get you her number!" Tyler's arms extend out and his hands lands on my shoulders almost shaking me.

"You think Marcus would just give up someone's private information no questions asked?" I'm doubtful of Tyler's plan, but at this point I have nothing left to lose.

"I'll take care of Marcus." Tyler takes his hands off my shoulders and uses his left hand to point at me.  "But you are on you own with Debby."

                                                                                   ...................  

The car ride back to the venue was just as awkward as the ride to the station. I can't put off my conversation with Debby anymore so we head back to my bus together. Tyler convinces Marcus to let us be and start walking away. I pause at the bus door and I watch Tyler talking to Marcus and I know my secret is being passed on. I follow Debby inside before Marcus can look back at me.

The last time I sat on this couch I was playing video games with Tyler. Last night I had everything I could ever want. I played the drums for hours and helped create magical moments for our fans. I had Tyler back on my side, and Marie by my side. Now I have Debby staring at me, waiting for me to say something as if I am the one who owes her the explanation. 

"Why are you here?" I ask maybe a little more harshly than I indented. 

"You never answered my text." She says as if that should make everything clear.

"What text?" I ask

"When we were texting about a week ago, you didn't respond to my last text."

I had completely forgotten about that text conversation. I dig into my pocket and find my phone. I look over the messages she sent, then at the bottom was the text I never read. "Can I come see you?" My head snaps back up to her face.

"And that gives you permission to come anyway?"

"I needed to talk to you and  I couldn't call you. I had to say this in person." She says desperately. 

"Well you are here now so you better just say it." I'm really not trying to be a jerk, but my mouth isn't buying it.

"I'm ready now. I know I wasn't ready before, but I am now. I'm ready to put you first and travel the world with you. Josh, I can be your wife and live the tour life. I won't let you go this time. Let me prove to you how ready I am to be completely yours."

It's the kind of speech that you would hear at the end of a movie. The couple would hug and kiss and the movie would flash forward to their wedding. The audience would be left with a warm happy feeling that everything will work out. But I know better. I knew that she could say all that, a year too late, only to have her take it all back.

_It's getting late and Debby hasn't called me yet, so I figure I better do it before Tyler comes over to my apartment._

_"Hey! What time does your flight get in tomorrow?" I ask after she says her hello._

_"I was just about to call you about that." Debby says a little distantly._

_"I was thinking I'd get to the airport a little early so I could buy you something really cheesy from the gift shop."_

_"Josh, I can't come to Columbus tomorrow. They need me on set for another week."_

_"Another week? You know that will mean a whole month apart right?" I say hearing the anger rise in my voice._

_"I know I feel bad, but there is nothing I can do. I'm in almost every scene so I can't just leave whenever I want. Why do I always have to fly to you anyway? You know they make planes that fly to Los Angeles not just away from it." Her anger is rising as well._

_"You know it's not that easy for me. Tyler needs me." That was partly true. When his fears overtook his mind he would cling on to me. Although the closer his wedding gets the less he has needed me and the more I have needed him._

_"I'm so sick of hearing that excuse! Tyler has Jenna. He doesn't need you. I think the real reason you won't come see me is because you hate that I'm here at all. You hate what I do for a living and would rather have me be back in Ohio watching you have a career."_

_"I have never asked you to stop acting! I would never stand in the way of your dreams. Don't make it sound like I'm holding you back by wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. When we started this I didn't know it would end up being long distance, but I've tried to make the best out of it. You are the one that moved away not me."_

_"Yeah and you are the one who didn't follow me." She says before the line goes dead._

I know she is waiting for our movie moment that I can't give to her. I have to sit here and break her heart. I loved her once and I suppose I could do it again. I have to strong though and not give up on my quest for Marie.

"There is someone else." I say quietly.

                                                                                        ..................

Afterthe show Debby isn't in my bus, so I assume she must have gone home. Tyler went back to his bus for the night. I guess he doesn't want to face me until he can bring me good news about his talk with Marcus. In my bunk I toss and turn wide awake. While rolling onto my side the word Panic! catches my eye. Marie left her shirt, the only piece of her I have. I can't help but to put it on. I can smell her scent of green apples, flowers and a hint of coffee.

The next morning I wake up to find my coffee in its usual spot in the kitchen. However, this time there is a white envelope with my name on the front. I open it to find two index cards. One with a series of numbers  that must be a phone number. The other card has an address in Kansas City and a note that says "Here is her info, but this time I go with you - Marcus" 


	15. Marie

"Excuse me miss? Can I get some more ketchup?" 

In all my years of being a server customers have called me lots of things to get my attention. The people that remember my introduction use my name, other opt for the classic ma'am. I'll even respond to "hey you!" I've had bitch thrown at me in certain occasions. None of these really bother me, but for some reason "miss" has always rubbed me the wrong way. I'm sure the people that say this don't mean anything by it, but I still cringe a little every time I hear it. 

"Absolutely! I'll be right back!" I say flashing my best fake smile.

I've been back to work at the steakhouse for a week now. I explained that things didn't work out at my other job and my manager was nice enough to let me come back. I've been able to fall right back into my old routine pretty easily. I've even started getting better at pushing thoughts of Josh away. The night after I saw that picture of Josh and Debby I called Charlotte to talk about it. I couldn't get it out of my mind and she is the only person in my life that knows what really happened. 

"He is just a typical rock star who will fuck anyone in his path. I bet he keeps a list of names under his pillow and if you were good enough we can all read about it in his tell all book in twenty years." She tells me.

"That's awful. He is nothing like that." I say trying to convince her and myself.

"And I don't want to hear all the lines he fed you about being special and how he never does this. It's better to move on sis. I don't want to see you get hurt more than you already are."

I wanted to move on, but I also wanted to hold on hope that I was the last thing he thought of before falling asleep. 

After getting home from a particularly busy and exhausting day, I crash on my couch not wanting to move for the rest of the night. I spend a few minutes arguing with myself about getting up and going into the kitchen to make dinner, but I'm interrupted by a knock at my door. Reluctantly, I pull my aching body off the couch and take the few steps over to the door.

I hope it's Charlotte with a bag of Chinese food and a DVD of some mind numbing movie because like she told me a few nights ago "I'm not going to let you sit here alone and be sad."

When I open the door the person standing in front of me is definitely not Charlotte. It takes my brain a few moments to register fully that is is Josh Dun and his fading pink hair looking at me.

"Hi" is all he says.

"Hi" I say my voice shaking a little. "How did you get here?"

Josh takes a step to his right and points behind him revealing Marcus. I give him a little wave and he gives one back.

"Can I come in?" Josh asks stepping back so that Marcus is hidden again. 

Charlotte would want me to say no and slam the door in his face. She would tell me he was just here to hook up again and he only picked me because he knew I would say yes. As I watch him squirm nervously waiting for my answer, I start to forget why I'm not letting him push me against the wall and press kisses down my neck. The reasons I once had to stop him from moving his hand down from my waist to inside my jeans are fading away. 

"Yeah, come on in."

Josh enters my living room and I can see him looking around, taking everything in. My living room looks like a fairly ordinary living room. It's not until you get into my bedroom would you see all my band paraphernalia I've collected over the years. I haven't touched my twenty one pilot's stuff. I'm not so sure I want Josh to know I sleep about two feet away from a picture of him and Tyler.

Josh wonders over to my bookcase which is filled with pictures of me, Charlotte and our parents through out various stages of life. His eyes move over Charlotte in her wedding dress and me beside her in my brides maid's dress, then to me at my high school graduation with my mom and dad on either side of me. He glances over a few more, then stops at the picture of me at the beach last summer. Did he look at that one the longest because he also loves the beach or because I'm in my bikini?

"Why are you here?" I say making him turn around and face me.

"You just left and I had to see you."

"I was forced to leave over a week ago and you did nothing to stop it." I counter.

"I tried believe me. Today was the first day I could get away." He says taking a few steps closer to me. He digs into his pocket at pulls out three tickets. " We got a plane ticket so you can come back with us. You won't be working for us this time. You will be living on the bus and you can go to any show you want."

I want to say yes, run into his arms and never look back, but something stops me. There is something that has been bothering me all week. I turn back to the couch and grab my phone. I open up Instagram and go to Debby's page. 

"What about her?" I ask as he looks at the picture of them she posted the day I left.

I can't believe I'm doing this, acting like this. I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend type who gets mad every time her boyfriend looks at another woman. I don't want to be standing here demanding answers from someone who owes me nothing. Josh is not my boyfriend and was Debby's for almost three years. My three nights with him can't compare. Despite all the reasons not to, I wait for his response. 

"I didn't know she posted that." He says his words drifting away.

I hate what I've just done to him. His mind shouldn't have to be running trying to figure out the best way to explain whatever happened. The combination of my sore feet, having Josh in my apartment and saying words I want to take back, make tears fall from my eyes. Josh's head moves up from the phone to my face. His eyes widen and his lips crash into mine. He tastes sweet like honey and smells like roses. One hand cups my jaw and his other lands on my hip. His mouth opens a little to welcome me in, but I can't. I push back and we break apart.

I have a voice screaming in my head saying "Josh Dun was kissing you in your living room, feet away from your bedroom and you stopped him!? He is offering you everything you want and you aren't packing your bags? Just go!" I also have another voice that reminds me he never said I would be going to be his girlfriend. He kissed you to shut you up and make you forget how painful this week has been. He doesn't want you to think about how much it will hurt when I get sent home again so he can be with Debby.

"I can't go with you. I know you will end up breaking my heart."

"You're probably right about that, but let's be happy until then." He says coming closer to me again.

"I can't just leave. I have a life here. I can't be gone for months at a time."

"You were going to do that before." 

"That was different. It was my job and the touring company was going to pay my rent. What would I do with my apartment? I just got my old job back and I'm supposed to tell them I quit again?"

"We can figure all that stuff out later, but if we are going to catch our flight we have to leave soon."

"You better get going then." I say coldly.

"You are really not going?" he asks defeated. 

"I'm really not going." I say choking on the tears that are coming back.

Josh heads back over to the door and looks at me with big sad eyes. With his hand on the door knob he asks "Is this the last time I'll ever see you?"

"It doesn't have to be." I say feeling the water running down my cheeks.

"I'll make sure it isn't." Is the last thing Josh says before he leaves my apartment and a bigger dent in my heart.

...

Driving to work the next day I hear the beginning of Stressed Out on the radio. Immediately, I change the station. I hope someday I'll be able to listen to twenty one pilots again, but not today. 

When I get to the restaurant I'm a little early for my shift, so I go through the back door and head into the break room. Rebecca, a fellow server, is there eating her end of shift meal. 

"Hey Marie! Have you been up to the host stand yet?" she asks.

"No, I just got here. Is it super busy?" I ask prepping myself for what today might bring.

"No, it's not that. Someone sent you flowers."

No one has ever sent me anything at work before. Not even when I've worked on my birthday. It must be for a customer named Marie or it was sent to the wrong place. I leave to go check it out anyway.

Noah, the newest host, was the only person up at the host stand when I get there. Next to him was a vase full of beautiful sunflowers. I reach out for the card with my name on it buried within the flowers.

"Progress report: I am missing you to death. - J.D."

So many thoughts run through my mind, like how did he know where to send them or how did he know I would even get them today? I read over the card again and I smile. I feel like I'm in high school and my crush just passed me a note telling me he likes me. I quite like that feeling. I can't believe how easy it was for me to fall for his line, or I guess in this case Pete Wentz's line.

When my shift is over, I take my flowers to my car. I haven't had time to check my phone all day. I have a text from a number I don't recognize. 

"Did you get your flowers? - J.D."

"I did. Nice card. Very creative." I write back.

I save Josh's number, put my key in the ignition and try to find some music to drive to. My phone lights up again.

"Everyone knows plagiarism doesn't count in greeting cards."

I let out a little laugh and start to drive back home.


	16. 16. Josh

"Is this the last time I'll ever see you?" This is my last shot. Maybe saying this is a little dramatic, but I want to get through to Marie. Maybe the idea of losing me forever will make her rethink what she is saying.

"It doesn't have to be." 

I almost say "It won't be if you come with me now." However after a moment I realize what she is really saying. She is offering me a chance to prove myself. She wants to trust me, but she can't yet. Honesty I don't blame her for feeling that way. What proof have I given to her that I am the man I say I am? Right now all she knows is I like having sex and that Debby still wants in my life. 

"I'll make sure it isn't." I accept her challenge. 

                                                                                     ...  

I'm back on an airplane headed back to a place that isn't home. Marcus sits next to me and next too him is a woman that got Marie's unused ticket. Nobody on the plane seems to know who I am so I can pretend I'm nobody. I can blend in and be a random stranger. No one knows that the man next to me is more than a friend, but here to protect me. They also don't know that the woman next to him was supposed to be someone else. 

"Maybe we started out too big, like you need small things to show you care." Marcus says.

I feel a buzzing in my pocket and pull out my phone to ignore a call from Tyler. I told him what time our flight was leaving and that I would call him before. I also told him I'd be able to bring Marie back.

"Yeah I think you're right. I just need to figure out what I can do from the road."

"Lucky for us, we have a few hours on this flight to think about it." Marcus is the forever optimist and can always find the good in anyone. Maybe that is an odd trait for someone who has the job of recognizing the one bad guy in a crowd of thousands, but he makes it work. "Tell me what you know about her and I can help you with your next step."

Even in my short time with her I feel like a know a lot. I know how her blue eyes sparkle in the sunlight and shine through the dark. I know that she tries to hide her face when she laughs. I know that she has a scar on her knee from falling off her bike when she was five. I know she has a tattoo of a skull on her shoulder that is covering up a butterfly she got when she was seventeen. I know she has a soft low moan that she only makes when I clamp my finger tips onto her hips. I know she is smarter and more beautiful than she thinks she is.

"Her favorite flowers are sunflowers." I say.

 "Now that is something we can work with."

It's almost midnight by the time I get to my hotel room. I stand with my shoulder leaned against the staring at my empty room. This room looks like the room Marie and I stayed in after our date. It looks like the bed where I was sitting when I first saw her in the shirt I now sleep in every night. This is a room I can't be in alone.

To Tyler: Can you come to my room?

Tyler: Number?

To Tyler: 223

I hear footsteps down the hall then a knock at my door. I open it to see Tyler with dark circles under his eyes and his hair a mess. 

"Did I wake you?" I ask moving aside letting Tyler walk into the room.

"I couldn't sleep until I knew you were okay. When you ignored my calls I texted Marcus so I at least knew you were alive."

"I'm sorry I just needed time to think before I could talk about it."

"I worry about you Josh."

"I know."

I know because he has had to worry so many times before. Long before Debby and Jenna it was just the two of us. The first time it happened was when Tyler was living with his brother Zack and I was living in a tiny crappy apartment trying to make it on my own.

 _I feel like I haven't slept in weeks and maybe I actually haven't_. _Partly because I've been busy with trying to balance working and being in a band, but partly because as soon as my head hits the pillow I become a mess. I have noise around me all day whether it's people talking, music I'm listening to or music I'm making. Then suddenly at night it's silent. If I listen hard enough I can hear wind moving through the tree outside my window. I need more than the soft breeze to knock out my thoughts. The easy solution should be to put on some music to distract me, but then I'm too distracted by listening to every note and beat that I can't shut off. That leaves me lying in my bed straining to hear any sound from outside to combat what always comes next._

_"I don't know why you keep trying" he says._

_"Please not tonight." I beg, but it never matters._

_"Have you not learned that no matter how hard you try, you will never be good enough? I mean look at you! Working for minimum wage  and playing shows to people who couldn't care less about you."_

  _"Lots of people care about me."  I try to reason_

_"Oh really? Is that why you are alone every night?"_

_We go back and forth all night until the sun comes up and I can sleep until I have to be up for work. You can never win when the person you are arguing with is yourself._

_The day after the first show that paid me enough to pay my rent with one check, I quit my day job. I finally had evidence to show the voice in my head that I could live on music alone. Maybe now he would agree with me. Tyler was on his way over and I couldn't wait to tell him I can give my all to the band._

_"I have some news." Tyler says after sitting down on my hand-me-down couch from my mom's basement. I'm closer to being able to buy a couch that my brother Jordan and I didn't spill kool-aid on as kids. "The show we were supposed to play tonight is canceled. They didn't say why, it's just canceled." He finishes._

_"I just quit my job today so I could play full time and that is already falling apart. I'm not going to have anything left."_

_The voice in my head isn't going to like this at all. I'm going to hear about how big of a failure I am and why did I think I would be the one person out of millions that would make it in the music industry. I won't even be able to fight back tonight, I have no ammo. He will win and I can't face it. I have to tell Tyler. I know he is the one person that could possibly understand, having gone through this himself. I confess to him about the voice in my head and how I can't run away, but I still try. My heart is racing as I speak and my hands won't stay still. I tell him that tonight will probably be one of the worst._

_"I'm so scared Tyler."_

_He doesn't say anything, but his arms are suddenly around my shoulders. His hands rub my back and I start to relax enough to feel the air in my lungs again. I hug him back and it feels different than any hug we have had before. It feels like Tyler has reached inside and lit a light in me._

_"Do you want me to stay tonight?" Tyler asks._

_That night, with Tyler as my pillow, I was finally able to sleep peacefully._

"Are you ready to talk about it?" Tyler asks.

Was I ready to hear myself say out loud that I was rejected by the girl that I've thought about constantly since we met? No, of course not, but it would be worse to not say anything and let it eat me up inside.

"She thinks she will end up getting hurt. She doesn't trust me anymore." I say.

"Why would she think that?"

"Why wouldn't she? I hurt Debby, I hurt you and she was hurt when she had to go home. How can a guy like me protect her? She needs someone who is stronger and doesn't get anxious every damn day."

"But I know you are a lot stronger then just a few years ago right?"

He was right that I'm better and it's mostly because of him and this band. Tyler has had to put up with a lot from me in these past few years. Like the month he slept more at my place than he did at his.  All the times when we traveled in the van and my phone would die from listening to music for hours, he would give me his phone so I could keep listening. I still remember all the times he canceled plans with Jenna to be with me because I needed him more. I feel bad for giving Tyler such a burden. Why would I put that on Marie as well? 

"Can you stay with me tonight?" I ask

"Of course." Tyler answers.

                                                                                       ...

With Marcus's help, I have flowers sent to Marie's job. I send her a text and I try to keep myself busy while I wait for her response. It isn't until minutes before I have to be on stage, does my phone buzz with a text from her letting me know she got the flowers. I text back and leave my phone in my dressing room.

After the show when I check my phone again I have one more message from Marie.

"Did you really mean it? Do you really miss me?"

"I have missed you every minute you have been gone." I respond.

Tyler pops into my dressing room and says "Hey I just got off the phone with Jenna and she is coming back tomorrow. So that means will be back in the other bus for a while. Are you going to be okay?"

I knew our summer camp had to end, but I hadn't planned on it ending with me being alone again. I should be used to it by now, but there are still nights I search for the sound of the wind outside.

"I'm sure I'll be just as okay as I was before"

"That's what I'm afraid of."

I look at myself in the mirror and notice my once bright pink hair has muddled with my natural brown. I need a change. I need to let go of feeling like I can't live without Tyler. I need to show that I can be someone who can support someone else instead of always being the one that always needs the support. I need to dye my hair. I need yellow hair.


	17. 17. Tyler

I know the last few days have been rough on Josh. They have been rough on me too. Two days ago he showed up to sound check with bright yellow hair. It's never bothered me that he dyes his hair crazy colors. I didn't even mind when he had bright pink hair as one as my groomsmen. The issue I have with it is when he uses his hair color as a distraction instead of dealing with his feelings. His hair became blue right before Blurryface was released, and we were both worried about how it would be received. The pink started after Debby moved to California, and now we have yellow.

I know it's because he thinks Marie rejected him. However I don't see it that way. I know they have been texting back and forth since Josh got back from Kansas City. They have even been able to video chat once. I should understand more than anyone that those things are never enough. That's the whole reason why Jenna is sleeping next to me right now.

When she is gone I have the same dream every night. We are in our bed at home and I run my fingers through her blonde hair and she gives me a sweet giggle when my finger tips touch the back of her neck. She blushes and buries her face in my neck. That's when I always wake up and more than once I have Josh's hair in my hand.

Jenna has been so kind and understanding these past two weeks. I never want her to feel like she isn't my first priority. And if she has ever doubted it, she has never told me. Every time Josh and I go our separate ways after a show, me to the arms of a woman who loves me and him to an empty bed, I feel guilty. Maybe it's wrong to feel guilty about being a good husband. At our wedding I vowed to forsake all others, does that mean Josh and his feelings too?

My number one goal when I first started making music was to have as many people as possible hear my message. Now I play sold out shows every night, I can't listen to the radio without hearing my own voice and Blurryface was the number one album on the music charts for a while. I have a wife who shares my faith and values, who understands my struggles, loves to take care of me and is unbelievably beautiful. I have everything I have ever wanted. The only missing puzzle piece is Josh's happiness. It has been on me for so long to be Josh's protector and to insure his well-being, that I don't think twice about being the one to save him this time.

Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the guilt eating me up, but something made me untangle myself from Jenna and leave the bus. I quickly scribble a note for her before I leave.

"Jen- Please don't worry about me. I'll be back later. - Ty"

I had one mission in mind and that was to do what Josh couldn't do. Bring Marie back.

...

I scoot my way across the back seat of the taxi.

"Where are we going?" The driver asks me.

"The airport please." I answer.

Do I even know what city I'm in right now? The car starts moving forward and I try to look for any familiar landmarks that could hint to where I am. The sun is barely peeking out from the horizon and light has just started to touch the ground.

"Hey!" the driver says "You're that guy in the band my daughter likes!"

That made me realize I've decided to take this trip from wherever I am to Kansas City completely alone and unguarded. Marcus is going to kill me when he finds out, that is if a mob of crazy fans don't get to me first.

"Could I get a picture with you? My daughter would flip!" He says.

At the first red light we hit I lean from the back seat and he takes a picture of the two of us. I didn't match his beaming smile, but he doesn't seem to mind.

I arrive at what I learn is the Nashville airport, get on the first plane leaving for Kansas City and sleep through the five hour flight. I take another taxi to Marie's apartment and now the sun is right in the middle of the sky, blinding me. I knock on her door, apartment number 1127. It isn't until then do I start to think about what I'm going to say. If Josh himself couldn't convince her why did I think I could? I have no plan, but damn was I determined. The door opens and standing in front of me is a taller, non-tattooed version of Marie. She doesn't say anything, expecting me to fill the silence.

"Is...is...Marie here?" I stammer.

"MARIE!" she yells without taking her eyes off me. "You look really familiar." she lowers her voice to tell me.

"I'm sure I do" I think to myself. I've done twelve interviews, two photo shoots and been on the cover of one magazine all in the last two weeks.

"I'm Tyler." I say hoping that is enough explanation.

"Oh! I know where I've seen you! Marie has pictures of you all over her room."

If she has pictures of me, that means she has pictures of Josh standing right next to me.

"Who do I have pictures of all over my room?" I hear Marie say before appearing in the doorway. She looks at me stunned. This is when I need to step up and fight for my friend.

"I think we should talk" I say.

She lets me inside, where I end up spilling my guts and Josh' guts too I guess. I talk for almost an hour straight telling her everything I can about Josh. I tell her about when we first met and how my depression was at its worst and that Josh helped me through and I helped him through his. I tell her about his breakdown after their first night together and how to lead to our first big fight. I explain that seeing the two of them acting so natural together is what changed my mind. I tell her about what happened with Debby and how he turned her down to be with Marie. I tell her how miserable he has been without her and how his face lights up when he gets a text from her. Marie, along with who I know now is her sister, takes in everything I've just poured out.

After I give her a moment to digest, I say "I was hoping that this time you would come back on tour with us."

Charlotte is the first one to speak "You might think I'm crazy, but I think you should go."

"Are you serious? You have been the one telling me to forget everything that happened and to move on. You were so proud of me for turning Josh away when he was here." Marie says.

"I know. I did that because I thought Josh was a creep, but I don't know kid. Sounds like I was wrong about him." Charlotte responds.

"Look, I know this relationship didn't start out the way Josh intended, but he really cares about you Marie. This relationship isn't going anywhere through texting. He needs you there with him."

...

We have about three minutes to get to the other side of the airport to make this flight back to Nashville. If we leave now, I will arrive in plenty of time before the show and no one will have had to worry about my whereabouts. I start running when I notice that I am quickly losing time, but as soon as I do Marie isn't beside me anymore. She has fallen behind, trying to keep up with my pace. I reach my hand out behind me and she grabs on. We run hand and hand to the gate just in time to find out that we are too late.

"Please we need to get to Nashville as soon as possible" I beg the woman behind the counter.

"I'm sorry sir, but the next flight doesn't leave until 3 p.m."

That means when we land we will only have an hour before Josh and I need to be on stage. I pull out my phone to call Jenna, but it's completely dead. She and Josh are going to be panicking knowing I'm not there. I can't call them from Marie's phone because I planned on her arrival being a surprise. Thinking about Jenna not knowing where I am or if I am safe scares me to the point I start to panic. Marie must be able to sense my worries. She puts one hand on my shoulder and her eyes lock with mine.

"Hey, everything is going to be okay." she says as if she has seen into the future.

Somehow just with those words she has calmed me down enough to think clearly again. This is one more thing that lets me know that Marie is the perfect woman for Josh.


	18. 18. Marie

Tyler and I are running through a maze of hallways and doors, trying to find his dressing room. He told me he knew where he was going, but I swear we have passed the same twenty one pilots poster three times now. I haven't had time to fully process what I'm even doing here or how I got here. I'm miles away from home and minutes away from seeing Josh again. When he came to my apartment and offered me a life with him, I was scared of the pain I might endure if we didn't last. Turns out sending him away and trying to live without him was just as painful. I regretted my decision after the flowers came, after each "Good morning" text and every time I remembered what it felt like to kiss him.  Don't get me wrong, I still had the doubts in the back of my mind and in front of my face when Charlotte caught me sending him a picture of myself. 

I had the fantasy that Josh would show up at my door again and this time I wouldn't let him leave without me. There were so many times I wanted to text him "please come back", but I was worried I had hurt him too much and he wasn't ready to see me face to face again. When Tyler showed up I knew this was my way back. He spent so much time and energy convincing me what I'd already been discovering for myself. That Josh is a good and caring guy and wants to have me by his side. Now I'm in a giant arena listening for his voice or any clue to where he is.

Finally we see the signs pointing us in the direction of the dressing rooms. The closer we get the more chaos we see. Men in black shirts running around, talking into walkie talkies and worried faces on everyone. We must see it at the same time because Tyler and I stop dead in our tracks. In front of Tyler's dressing room is Jenna crying into Josh's shoulder and a police officer standing next to them.

"Mrs. Joseph I know this is difficult, but we need to know the last time you saw your husband." the officer says.

"Oh crap..." I hear Tyler say beside me before running over to Jenna.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and formed a circle around Tyler. Jenna flies into Tyler's arms asking him question after question and the men in the black shirts seem to relax a little. Tyler doesn't give away where he has been all day he only says "Don't we have a show to get ready for?"

"No, Tyler you don't get off that easy. You go missing all day and scare your wife half to death. Where were you?" Josh asks.

"Helping you." Tyler says pointing over to me.

That is when the yellowed hair man and I make eye contact. I can't move even though I really want to run into his arms and hug him forever. It's as if I have huge weights in my shoes stopping me from leaving this spot. Thankfully Josh doesn't have the same problem and comes toward me, pushing past the crowd around Tyler. He stands inches in front of me and I still stand frozen. 

"Are you really here?" When Josh speaks the spell is broken and I can move again.  I use that  ability to step closer to him and wrap my arms around his waist. He throws his arms around me and I feel small yet protected with his large frame around me. 

"I hope so" I whisper into his chest. 

"Josh, Tyler you guys have fifteen minutes until show time. Start getting dressed now." I hear someone say. 

The crowd around Tyler begins to disburse and Tyler and Jenna disappear into his dressing room. I follow Josh into his and I see the table full of things I used to set up for him. His many water bottles, his healthy snacks and his unhealthy snacks. Josh didn't have many requests, in fact it would always take me much longer to set up Tyler's dressing room than Josh's. However, after our first rendezvous on the couch in the bus he started to request one chocolate bar and he would always ask if I wanted half, and I would always accept.

 "I can't help but notice you are missing your chocolate" I say after plopping down on the small leather couch. 

Josh gives a little laugh standing by his wardrobe and says "Yeah I noticed that too. You know, I used to have this girl who would  share it with me, but she left and I wasn't sure if she would ever come back."

"Really? I heard that she came back and has no intention on ever leaving again."

I am mesmerized watching Josh get undressed. I run my eyes over every inch of the body I wanted holding me at night. I looked at him like I had never seen him before, like I had never seen any man before. He puts on his tight black pants and covers his torso with a white button up shirt. He turns his back to me and watches himself tie his necktie in the mirror. I can't believe that this perfect man wants to be with someone like me, but I don't want to question that again. I know now that I am staring at my future and I'm not letting him go. 

I hear a small knock on the door and Jenna pokes her head through the doorway. "Hey I'm here to steal Marie away." She says looking at Josh. Moving her head toward me she says "You're going to sit with me during the show."

"Have fun!" Josh says flashing me his big squinty eyed smile.

Jenna and I make our way to the highest level of the arena and find the two seats marked reserved. We have a view straight down the middle of the stage. As soon as we sit down I can hear the voices around us getting louder and louder. It started as whispers "Look who it is. I think that's her. Jenna is sitting near us!" The voices are getting more clear and closer. "Jenna? I'm sorry to bother you, but can we get a picture with you?" Jenna and I both turn toward the voice to see a growing group of girls all wearing red beanies and black shirts. 

"Yes of course!" Jenna says standing up. 

Jenna posed for what looked like hundreds of photos and she never lost her genuine smile. She was sweet, kind and patient with everyone that came up to her. 

"Does that happen all the time?" I ask her once she sits back down.

"Yeah pretty much any show I go to fans will find me. I'm used to it now though. Most of the time people are so sweet to me and they just want me to know how much Tyler has helped them and sometimes they even credit me for helping them through a tough time. That blows me away when kids say that. It was weird at first having people that I don't know recognize me and call my name from across the street. Some parts of it is still weird. Like sometimes people will comment mean things on my pictures that I post online."

"Really? Why would they do that?" I ask

"I just figure it's because they are jealous of my life. I get it though, some people only see me as someone in their way. They think if I wasn't around they could be with Tyler. Debby used to get a lot more of the an hate than I ever did. Every time she posted a new picture of her and Josh certain fans would just attack her in the comments. She tried not to let it bother her, but I know it did. Being in a relationship with a celebrity is a totally different world Marie, and you will have to decide if Josh is worth it."

Just then the lights go out in the venue and the fans scream so loud that I can't hear my own thoughts. The guys come out onto the stage and put on an amazing show as usual. Jenna and I dance and sing along to each song. I, of course, keep my eyes on the drummer. The show is almost over and a big security guard comes up to Jenna and says "follow me Mrs. Joseph." 

Jenna has a huge smile on her face and turns back to me. "Come on! This is my favorite part!"

We leave our seats and head down the stairs leading into the floor, but we don't go into the pit of fans or even close to the stage. We follow the security guard over to where the crew and all the control panels are. Jenna squeals in excitement when the song Car Radio starts to play.  Now I know why we are over here. 

Suddenly Tyler appears on a tiny stage above us. Jenna's face lights up much more than I had seen all night. She looks up at him with so much even though he can't see her. She blows him kisses and waves as if she was a fan at her first concert. Even though she had been in the spot before and even though she will be with Tyler after the show, she can't look away. I knew then that for Jenna, all the struggles of touring, all the fans she had to talk to, and everything else she had to deal with that I didn't understand yet, was worth it to be with Tyler. 


	19. Josh

"We are twenty one pilots and so are you" Tyler says into the microphone after a show that just a few hours ago I didn't think was going to happen.

This morning I woke up with my phone buzzing with a text from Jenna, which almost never happens. I've known Jenna for four years now, so of course we have shared a few texts back and forth. Typically they consist of birthday gift ideas for Tyler or asking me if I want a chocolate or vanilla milkshake. But Tyler's birthday is six months away and I doubt Jenna would be making her famous milk shakes this early in the morning.

Jenna: Is Tyler there with you?

After searching the entire bus and not finding any sign of Tyler I text back a simple "No" before going back to sleep. I don't know how much time passed, but I woke up again when Jenna called me.

"I can't find Tyler anywhere. I thought he might be with you, but he's not. He isn't eating breakfast with the crew and nobody that I've talked to saw him leave the venue. I've called his phone a million times, but it just goes to voicemail every time. Did he say anything to you last night about leaving or about hurting himself? I mean you don't think he's...he's..." She couldn't bring herself to say it, and I couldn't bring myself to hear it.

The panic in her voice made me shoot straight up in my bunk, hitting my head on the bunk above me. I ran right to Jenna's side, where I stayed the rest of the day. We both feared the worst, what if it was too late when we finally did find Tyler? I couldn't let myself fall apart in front of Jenna, she was doing enough of that for the both of us. I had seen her cry before like when Tyler would tell a joke and we couldn't help but laugh until tears streamed down our faces, or the time we all watched the movie Titanic together. This time she was crying from fear and now I felt protective of her. So as we stood in the middle of chaos, I held Jenna wondering how I could pick of the pieces of her broken heart if I was shattered as well.

When I first saw Tyler after searching for almost twelve hours I first felt relief that he was alive and relief that we could call off the search. When Tyler and Jenna embraced, I started to feel anger. I was angry that he would put us through all panicked phone calls to hire extra security, and for all the hours Jenna poured over his note looking for any clue, and ultimately calling the police. Of course, everything changed when I saw her standing there. Tyler had ran away and sacrificed Jenna's sense of safety and security for me. I had Marie back because Tyler put me before his wife, and I'm sure he would be paying for that for a long time.

Tyler and I walk off the stage to find Jenna and Marie waiting at the bottom of the stairs for us. Jenna and Tyler immediately come together and become inseparable as if they are one person. One person that becomes broken down and worn without their other half. With my arm around her shoulders, Marie and I make our way back to my dressing room. My fingertips begin to crave the warmth of her skin, and my lips can think of nothing but traveling down her body. I want to see and taste every inch of her. I want her to scream my name because she can't keep it inside her. I want her to be mine.

I lock my dressing room door, and when I turn around to face Marie, I noticed her eyes have changed. They don't have same look of sweet affection that was radiating toward me when I first saw her today. Now they look hungry and passionate like she is ready to take a bite out of me. And I just might let her. I have no time to waste, so I let my lips have their fun on top of hers as soon as I am close to her. She kisses back harder and with more assurance than the last time we kissed, right before I left her apartment without her. I let my hands move around her body freely, I let them do all the thinking. Before I know it both her shirt and bra are gone. My hands then want to explore her chest, while my lips move down to meet them. My kisses are getting harder and I even start to scrape my teeth across her neck. I'm sure I'll leave bruises but I don't care. I bite her collarbone with what I'm afraid is too much force, but the moan in my ear and the fingernails digging to the back of my neck tell me it was just right.

Suddenly my mouth stops working when I feel Marie's hands on my hips. She drops down on to her knees and smiles up at me. I don't help her as she does all the work of wiggling my shorts down to the ground and as my underwear soon follows. Now I stand in front of her with nothing else left to fall to the floor, completely exposed. Her hands climb up my thigh and land on my hard cock. She moves her mouth closer and she begins to lick the tip gently. The stimulation makes me jump a little. She puts more of me into her mouth and my hand interlocks with a chunk of hair on the back of her head. I'm now almost fully in her mouth and what she can't take she is gripping with her hand that is not on my thigh. We stay just like this for a little while, her head bobbing across my length and her tongue twisting it's way around. I can feel myself getting closer to releasing, but I know I should hold off. I need to save my energy to take care of Marie. I let go of her hair, allowing her to back off of me. 

"Get on the couch" I hear myself command. I step out of my clothes that are still around my ankles and follow Marie to the couch. I bend down in front of where she is sitting and unbutton her jeans. I peel her tight pants off of her legs and along with her underwear, I throw them across the room. I kiss my way up her thigh and I'm so eager to taste her that I don't even waste my time teasing. My tongue dances over her clit while her moans become louder and her hips become more restless. 

"Josh...please..." Marie says between moans. I take this as my cue to slide two fingers inside of her, and the moans coming from her let me know that is just what she had in mind. As my fingers continue to work outside and inside of her, I see her put her had over to mouth to muffle her sounds. I reach up and pull her hand away so I can hear her. I want the whole world to hear her getting loud because of what I'm doing to her body. 

Her back arches and her hips move closer to me. Her mouth opens wide, and just when I think she is about it let out the biggest scream yet, nothing comes out. All of her energy is put into the muscles that are getting tight around my fingers. I let her ride out the orgasm I had just given her and then very slowly remove my fingers. Now it is my turn again, so I stand up with one foot on the floor and one knee on the couch. With her propped up between the arm and back of the couch, I bring her hips up to meet mine. I carefully move my way inside her, making her throw her head back. I know I won't last long so I try to make the most of the last few moments I have like this. My eyes move wildly at every part of her body and the grip I have on her hips gets tighter. When I can't wait any longer I release inside of her, now it was my sounds that were the loudest. After I pull myself together, I look down at her and she looks so sweet and Innocent despite what I had just done to her. I don't know how she could do both, look up at me with wide eyes and smile shyly while still recovering from the becoming the sweaty mess I made her, but she did it flawlessly.

...

We were both exhausted as we lay in my bunk together. I was only moments away from sleep, when I hear Marie's voice bring me back. 

"Jenna said something to me right before the show that I can't stop thinking about. She was taking pictures with all these fans that came up to her, and she was super nice about it, but she said that sometimes fan will comment things on the pictures just to be mean. She said that it was much worse for...well.."

She didn't have to say her name because I knew she was talking about Debby. It was hard for her to check on a picture she posted of the two of us and see it riddled with comments of people calling her a whore and saying she didn't deserve to be with me. She would cry about it some nights and I would be there to comfort her. As time moved on and people figured she was staying in my life the hateful words slowed down, but of course she didn't stay. The cycle could easily repeat it's self with Marie and I don't want her to go through that same punishment Debby did. I want to protect her anyway I can, so that's why I said "Maybe we don't tell people right away. Let's just say only the people that need to know will know about us."


	20. Marie

It's been one month. It's been a month of sleeping all day and making love all night. A month of big comforting arms pulling me in, keeping me safe and protected. Everyday I wake up to sunshine, not from the sky but, from the yellow glow of Josh's hair. It's warmer, brighter and give me more life than the real sun. A month of sitting in VIP sections where I watch my favorite band play their hearts out. I never missed a single show and I have yet to get tired of the people screaming around me aimed at Josh. I don't scream with them, instead I just give a little wave to the yellow head bobbing up and down behind the drums. I like to pretend that through the sea full of strangers he can only see me. 

It's also been a month of hiding and lying about who I am. I've been to 20 cities in 30 days and haven't seen a single one of them. My first night back Josh and I agreed we would keep our relationship away from the public, at least until the tour is over. The tour crew, Josh's family and a few select friends know about me. Keeping us a secret from the public means no dates outside of the venue, no pictures together and I can only let certain people in my life know my location. We don't hold hands outside of the bus just in case someone snaps a picture. We even created a fake backstory for me if any one who doesn't already know asks who I am. My name is Avery and I'm an old friend of Jenna's who goes to shows with her so she won't be alone. Avery's purple wig was Josh's idea. Jenna thinks it's a little over the top and maybe she's right. 

When Jenna and I make our journeys from the boys dressing rooms to our seats is when we get stopped for pictures most often. I try my best to duck out of the way when Jenna s posing with fans. Luckily no one has asked for a picture with Avery. Most people lose interest in me when I lie and tell them I'm not that close to Tyler or Josh. 

At first all things things seemed like small sacrifices, but now the rules are starting to close in on me. Josh tells me it's all so I can live safety away from the prying eyes of the world. This way I won't have people coming up to me in public just to get to Josh. I can avoid the potential stalker trying to hurt me like people threatened to do with Debby. Once people figure out that I'm Josh's girlfriend my normal life is over. I'll be famous by association. Pictures of me will live on forever on the internet, always available to stare at and wonder why I was chosen to live this life and not them.

Those things are true about Jenna, but she doesn't live in fear of the the things Josh warns me about. I've never heard her complain about living on a bus, or about being so far away from her family. She has told me herself that she has never had an experience with a fan where she felt unsafe. When she first warned me about being a celebrity's girlfriend the only negative aspect she talked about was mean comments online. If that is the worst thing I have to deal with in order to be with Josh, I can handle it. When I look at Jenna I see someone who is carefree and madly in love. I want to feel the same way. I see an outpouring of love for Jenna from fans everyday, so why can't I have that too? Why am I at risk of being bullied just because I haven't been here as long as Jenna? I want to fully be a part of the twenty one pilots world and I'm ready to embrace everything that comes along with it. I want to shout to the world that I am in love with Josh Dun.

...

We're in Portland a day early, which means Tyler and Jenna are out exploring the beautiful city while Josh and I hide out in our hotel room. I have been craving to go outside and see something more than hotel rooms that all look the same or the same four walls of the bus. It's not like Josh and I can't have our own fun in a hotel room. It's that I've lived in Kansas City my whole life and my family would only take one vacation a year to the same place, my grandparents house in Chicago. I went to Florida last year and when I saw the ocean for the first time I was completely amazed. It made it wonder about the other amazing places I hadn't seen yet. When I found the assistant job with the touring company I knew that was my ticket to traveling the world. Now the most exciting thing I've seen Portland is the hotel pool Josh and are sitting by. 

"What do you think about getting out of here and doing something tonight?" I ask Josh from my lounge chair.

"Out of here as in the hotel? What did you have in mind?" Josh asks from behind me as he rubs sunscreen on my back. 

He insisted on the sunscreen even though the sun was setting because like he said "You can never be too careful." Apparently that is his theme for everything he does this month.

"I didn't have a real plan, I just thought we could get out for once. Like on a real date at a restaurant or a bar or something." I say. Josh continues to rub my back and it sends a shiver down my spine. It's amazing he can still do that even though I haven't stopped touching him for a month.

"I don't think it's a good idea yet. Someone could recognize me and take a picture of us. I don't think you are ready for all the attention that would bring."

I turn around to face him. "How will I know if I'm ready if we never try? I mean don't you think this hiding out thing is getting ridiculous? We haven't been out on a proper date since the first time we went out and got coffee even though nothing bad happened that day. Today you said we had to wait to come down to the pool until everyone was gone. Now the sun is almost gone and the water is probably cold. It's like we are living our lives in fear."

The look on his face is telling me he feels sorry, as if he feels like he has been failing as a boyfriend. This is the first time I've even hinted that I have a problem with living in our little bubble. I know he thought he was doing the right thing by setting up these rules and I did too at first. I just didn't realize how hard it was to keep a secret when you have your own personal sunlight.

"It's really not about going out on dates" I grab his hand and continue "It's about me being so in love with you that I can't contain myself. The man I could only fantasize about being with before is my boyfriend. How can I possibly keep that to myself?"

"I want to tell more people too. Believe me it hasn't been easy keeping you to myself. I promise I'll be more relaxed from now on. We don't need to make a public statement or anything, but I we don't have to hide anymore if that is what you want."

"Yes, I want us to be free to just be us"

Josh lets go of my hand and springs up out of the lounge chair. "Hey I've got a crazy idea." He says before walking to the side of the pool. He first moves his head to the right, then to the left as if he was crossing the street. Then suddenly without any warning Josh grabs the waistband of his trunks and pushes them down his legs. He kicks the trunks away from his ankles and completely naked, he jumps into the pool. Once his head resurfaces I shout "What in the world are you doing!"

"Come on! Come join me! I'm not doing this alone." A very wet and very naked Josh shouts back. I cautiously make my way over to the same spot where Josh jumped in. "Just take your top off and jump in." He says swimming over to the edge in front of me.

"I think you have completely lost your mind."

"Come on, there is no one around and no one else will be coming to the pool this late. You said you want to feel free, well here is your chance Marie."

That is all he needed to say to convince me. I reach behind my back and undo the knot holding my bikini top together. I toss it over to where Josh's disregarded trunks landed. I look down into the pool at Josh reaching his arms out to catch me. I hesitate only for a moment before I am engulfed in freezing cold water. As soon as I pop back up above the water I feel Josh's embrace around me. As we kissed I begin to feel the freedom I had been wishing for. Soon enough the whole world would know the happiness I've had to hide. 

We swim around naked until the sun is completely gone and the only light is from the moon. Skinning dipping was a liberating experience that resulted in passionate sex back in the room. Josh and I are now cuddled in bed together and he has just fallen asleep. I was just about to join him, when my phone lights up with a notification that someone has tagged me in a photo on Instagram. I unlock my phone and let my eyes adjust to the light, but my eyes must be playing tricks on me because I can't be seeing what I'm seeing. It's a picture of Josh and I at the pool earlier today. Josh is in the pool with his arms reaching out to me while I stand on the edge about to jump in with no top on. There is no denying that the man in the pool is Josh Dun with his yellow hair and tattoo sleeve. I look at pictures that Josh is tagged in, and it is flooded with this picture of me and my bare breasts. Somehow someone figured out it was me. I look over at Josh sleeping peacefully with no clue I was about to shatter our world.


	21. Josh

Last night was the first night in a month that I haven't been able to sleep. I learned a long time ago how to live off of very little sleep. But since I've had Marie with me, I've felt safe enough to sleep like I do with Tyler. Now I have to remember my old tricks for making through the day. Like the second iced coffee I'm gulping down now. 

When Marie woke me up after the last time I'll fall asleep peacefully, I thought I was dreaming. An anxiety dream that felt real would be nothing new for me. She showed me the picture of her exposed and me begging her to jump in the pool. I tried to nudge myself awake. When the image and Marie's crying eyes wouldn't leave, I knew it must be real. 

"We can figure this out" I kept saying. "This isn't that big of a deal. Everything will be okay." Lie after lie I told her so she could calm down. What I didn't say were the words floating around in my head like "I'm sorry I dragged you into this" and "I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave."

I'm sitting on the edge of the stage with my legs dangling beneath me and not enough noise in my ears to distract me. We were supposed to start sound check ten minutes ago, but Tyler can't seem to pull himself away from Jenna. Normally it wouldn't bother me because Marie would be here too. Instead of sitting on my lap while I attempt to play the drums or making me blush while some magazine takes my picture, she is hiding on our bus. I can't help but to watch Tyler and Jenna as they seem to just float together as they talk. It's like a dance that only the two of them know, moving in sync to become one person. It's strange and beautiful like a work of art. I wonder if people stare at Marie and me as if we are in a museum too. I'm too far away to hear what they are saying, but the looks Jenna sends my way every few words tells me they know. I've already had enough of Jenna's sympathetic glances, as if she had any idea what Marie and I are feeling. 

"Hey are we ever going to get to work or do you two just want to get a room?" I hear my anger say. I can count on one hand the times I can remember being truly angry in my life. I don't want this time in this place to become another. 

Jenna and Tyler don't react to my outburst with anything more than another glance in my direction. Jenna leans into Tyler, whispers something into his ear and disappears off stage. Finally turning his attention to me, Tyler comes over to the edge of the stage. 

"Are you okay? I mean I'm sure it hasn't been an easy morning for you or Marie." Tyler's voice shakes a little saying her name like it was poison in his mouth. I can't decide what is worse, the fact that Tyler just confirmed the picture isn't part of a nightmare or that my best friend has seen my girlfriend half naked. 

"I'm tired." Those two small words should tell him everything. I've said them to him a thousand times before usually followed by 'but I can't sleep'. I'm tired became like a code for help me. Tyler reaches his hand out to my shoulder, but instead of falling into his arms as usual, I step back. His hand falls back down to his side, defeated. 

"This is all your fault you know." I snap. "If you weren't so wrapped up in your self none of this would have happened. You had to have known that I was lonely and hurting and yet night after night you would send me away to sit in my loneliness. I ended up losing control of my body, and Marie was taken away from me. Then I'm lonely and hurting again after a brief moment of happiness. At least she was safe when she was away from me. She could have had a normal life, but you brought her back into this world that only wants to hurt her. Don't you see that this is all your fault?" As I recount this story through a haze of angry and riddled it with inaccuracies, Tyler just stands there taking in my ranting. He looks normal as if I was talking to him about what I was thinking of having for dinner that night. I want him to react. I want him to hate me so I'm not the only one.

 "Are you done?" Tyler pauses expecting an answer that I don't give. "Did you get that out of your system?" 

He can see right through me. He knows when I say I blame him, I mean me. Tyler doesn't deserve any of the blame. I can try to blame the person who took the picture or the people that share it, but that wouldn't be fair. They shouldn't get all the blame when I'm the one who told her to take her top off. I'm the one who brought her into a life where pictures are constantly taken. I'm the one who dragged her on the couch. I'm the one who wanted her back with me despite [ all the reasons not to]. I spent so much time thinking about what it would be like to have her all to myself, that I didn't think about what that meant for her. I was so scared of her getting hurt, but that was so vague. Now the pain has a face and it's mine. The voice in my head never let up  the doubts telling me I'm not good enough for her and I can't protect her.  So I hid her away. A little secret that was all mine so the world couldn't break her. Turns out when she is all mine she is all mine to break.

"I'm sorry. It's not your fault." I feel my heart sink to the bottom of my chest in shame.

"And it's not yours either." Tyler says in this steady all knowing voice that could almost convince me he is right. Almost.

"It's not? It's not the fault of the guy who falls short every time someone puts their trust in him? It's not the fault of the guy who saw this coming and let it happen anyway? I would blame that guy. That's the guy I would point to and say he clearly messes up every relationship he is in and therefore doesn't deserve to love or care about anyone." 

"Do you remember the night we first met? Do you remember what you said to me then?" Tyler says still not giving my rantings the proper reaction. 

"This is nothing like that." I say.

"This is exactly like that. One man hating himself and one man who can see beyond it."

_I was certainly less than thrilled when my chemistry teacher made me be lab partners with Chris, the weird kid who sat in the back of the classroom. He wore all black, hardly ever took his headphones off and never ever spoke a word to anyone. Just like in those cheesy high school movies, the kid I least suspected became my best friend. It started with me asking what music he listened to and grew into Chris playing the guitar and screaming into a microphone while I played drums behind him. He introduced me into a whole new world of music I otherwise wouldn't have known. We try to see as many new bands play as we can. I want to learn everything there is about music. I want to live and breathe music. That passion is what takes me to this basement bar almost every weekend. Sometimes Chris, a couple of other friends and I get to play, but most of the time we are part of the crowd. Tonight we are seeing a new band that Chris can't stop talking about, Twenty One Pilots._

_A skinny brown haired boy who can't be much older than eighteen sits down behind the piano on stage. A drummer to his right and a bassist is all that make up this band._

_The piano starts a slow hypnotizing tune. "Hello. We haven't talked in quite some time." The boy behind the piano starts to sing. "I haven't been the best of sons" He continues to sing with such beautiful sadness in his voice. Like every word is a struggle to push out of his lips, but once they are he is relieved. "I try desperately to run through the sand as I hold the water in the palm of my hand..." Now he is rapping?  The words are rushing forward like a wave and the drums count along with him._

_The show goes on and I can't look away from the singer. He sings and plays with so much emotion and passion. I've never seen anything like it. This is something I want to be a part of. The show ends and the crowd clears. Now it's just me and Twenty One Pilots as they pick their equipment up from the stage._

_"Hey, I just wanted to say that your show was amazing." I tell the singer._

_"Oh. Thanks." he says without looking at me._

_"I mean it, I've never been to a better show in my life."_

_"I'm sure that's not true."  He says again without looking in my direction._

_"No, it's true. Usually everyone that plays here have no idea what they are doing and just make it up as they go along, but not you. You clearly put a lot of thought into every song, every note and every word. You are the first person I've seen down here that could actually make it outside of this bar."  That got him to finally look at me._

_"If that were true I would be outside of this bar. This is just a fun thing I do to release some steam. I don't do this because I have talent."_

_"But you do have talent. Do you really not see that?"_

_"When I see myself I see someone who has never been good enough. I don't get straight A's in school. I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm on the basketball team is because my dad knows the coach. I'm a disappointment to my parents and I'm not the protective older brother my siblings need. So yeah I guess I do have talent. I'm a great failure."_

_I'm shocked to hear him say all this. For one because he is a stranger unloading all this baggage and pain on to me. Also because I thought he would want to share in the joy his music brought to someone else._

_"I know I don't know you, but I didn't see any of that tonight on stage. I saw someone who cares and feels deeply. I saw a guy who has so much to say and so much to give. I saw you preform something real and brilliant in a place that has never seen that before. I would kill to be able to let loose and be as free as you are stage. I think it's too bad all you see is failure when I see a person who can make a positive mark on the world. I wish you could look at yourself the same way I see you."_

_"And you saw all that just from watching me play the piano?"_

_"I did and I'm sure other people do too." I turn around to walk away, but I've already been bold enough to talk to this guy as if I'd known him his whole life so why give up now? I turn back to the stage and say "My name is Josh Dun. Let me know if you ever need a drummer."_

Was Tyler looking at me now the same way I looked at him all those years ago? I desperately wanted him to see beyond his self doubt and admit he was good. It was a battle we would keep fighting for years to come with both of us on either side. I do wish I could see myself the way Tyler sees me. I want to be the strong person he tells me I am when I am at my weakest. I don't want to be the person that crumbles anytime something goes wrong. Marie needs better than that.

After sound check I sneak back on the bus in hopes of a few moments of peace with Marie. I hear her voice as soon as I enter though the door way.

"No, listen to me....I knew you wouldn't understand." I don't hear another voice respond so she must be on the phone. "I get that the picture is bad. I am not denying that, but what I don't want to hear us how you think this makes Josh a terrible person. He didn't do anything wrong. He has been nothing but kind and sweet to me.....you were the one that told me to go back to him remember?......No, I'm not coming home. I'm staying here with Josh."

If Marie doesn't blame me, why do I? 


End file.
